too old [ 2009-11-30, 12:58 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Have not been feeling well for the past couple of days. During the time spent with the parents I had the briefest sore throat and some sniffles, but Friday I was just knackered (to borrow a phrase from AnnaNotBob), I felt so crappy. Saturday I dare say was worse! Howard came over for a project and then I went to yoga and still felt pretty lousy when I went to work. My stomach felt pretty crampy and my head felt so foggy, my client was talking to me and I just could not concentrate on a thing he was saying. Gah.

Then finally I started feeling a bit better but stayed up late watching Ugly Betty, and worked a bunch today, and had dinner with Ava and she read my cards. Basically she said things are kind of at a standstill for me, which kind of aligns with Pia's story. And she told me to be cautious of sex leading to heartbreak, which brought the topic of Shelby to mind.

I told her about Shelby but she for one did not seem impressed so much. She pointed out that even though he is 'better' than what I've had in the past, he is still unavailable like all men I attract. And she said that even though I can talk a big game now about how great this is for me, if my feelings get involved and I start crushing on him I could be back in that place of heartbreak. I know she's right- I can't guarantee that I can keep my head level around this issue.

It kind of depressed me because I really want to have some fun, some pleasure and just live my life without heartbreak. But maybe there's still some work to be done. Perhaps it will just be the same scenario in which I will have to draw the line at intercourse... even though I would like to be able to enjoy that too. But maybe I can't, I just get too attached. And this makes me wonder if I need to talk to Shelby right away about it, and I fear being rejected if I say, "We can fool around but I don't think I can have intercourse with you." all my old fears come up, what if he says 'forget it' then?

Then I suppose I'll have to just let him go, he's not mine to have anyway, and I'm too old to keep worrying about this shit.

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