#2

Dear Diary,

Am up early because I stayed at Bethany's and haven't really slept well.

Still having dreams about Shana and Bruce and the kids (people I lived with about 10 years ago).

Realizing how much I've changed- I expect to be devastated- but I'm not. It feels really weird. Like part of me still expects to find that deep shattered feeling about M, but it's not there. I'm not really THAT freaked out by the fact that I sent him a card and he could be contacting me at any moment. I don't really want to talk to him, and I am definitely angry and maybe a bit ashamed about where my life is right now, but I don't feel like I used to. No. I don't.

I guess I am a little bit stronger.

But I don't even know how strong I am. Just recently I have braced myself for things that I expected to feel devastating and instead the blow has felt... like somebody has thrown a cotton ball at my head. Much less severe than expected!

I don't know what I'm even made of anymore, so in a way I don't know who I am. I don't know exactly how I'm capable of showing up with Shelby. So I guess I just have to take it slow.

Just some thoughts.

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