Dear Diary,

Well now I am all confused.

The other day I saw Ava, as I mentioned, and she read my cards and cautioned me against getting in too deep with Shelby. Really, specifically, the sexual intercourse part.

And tonight Cally called me and said she had a strong intuition that I might get hurt in this deal.

I don't know whether to believe them- I mean, everything so far has felt really GOOD, and really RIGHT- and I don't mean in a fucked up fantasy way, like oh this is the answer to my life and he'll leave his wife and have a million babies with me. But rather... it feels good as a learning experience. The conversations I've had with Shelby have felt good, freeing, incredibly vulnerable and honest, and what I've been considering "good practice".

So I can't tell- are these warnings real messages from the Universe that I should heed, or are they my friends projecting their own worries onto me?

Am I still not very good at making decisions? Could I go so wrong, and be fooling myself? Am I just unaware? Stupid? Still that fucked up?

I felt like I was doing so much better. I felt like this actually might be a really good decision for me. I knew the sexual intercourse would be iffy- but the rest, I didn't think would be such a big deal.

I also felt pissed. Pissed about once again hearing what I didn't want to hear. Pissed about this message that if I "want a man for myself, I shouldn't be messing around with another person." I don't know if that's Cally's rule of thumb or what. I was pissed about feeling like I can't make good decisions. Still.

So I pounded on a chair for awhile and I tried to call Serena for well over half an hour but her phone was busy. Yes she's one of the last people on the planet that only has a landline and no call waiting.

I guess I'll try to check in with her tomorrow and see what she thinks.... till then... I don't know. I hate not being able to have and I hate thinking I'm fucking things up again, and I hate just not being able to tell.

Grr.

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