Dear Diary,

So...

I worked today, it was hard work. I had the most difficult client I have ever experienced since I started working for myself. She was completely closed down to any of my ideas, yet seemed to think all problems are because of someone else. I didn't even know how to deal with her. I don't recall ever being so flummoxed. I probably won't work with her again in the future, but maybe that's for the best.

Then I went to be part of a "focus group" for my bank. Basically this means that I had to sit in a room for 90 minutes with some other folks and answer questions about banking, and they paid me $100. Okay! No problem!! I went and did it, even though I hate my bank.

I also hate the laundromat, but somehow I made myself go this morning. I woke up an hour earlier than I wanted to, but I told myself, "If I get up now, I can do laundry and then I won't have to worry about it for the next two days before I leave!" So I did it. I'm glad it's done.

After the focus group I called Serena and talked to her about the Shelby issue and the "messages" from my friends and the whole business. Serena actually knows me better than any of those people, because she's seen how hard I've been working to change in the past 2 years. She suggested I DO be cautious around sex, and keep my line in the same place- sexual intercourse. Because I shouldn't get hurt again. But she also said the rest of the stuff is very good practice for me, and it felt good to be confirmed and get acknowledgment for that. So I can still play, just not in the deep end. (I actually had felt much better today when I woke up... much more myself and less questioning). I think I have a lot to learn from Shelby... but now I have to tell him that we probably won't be having intercourse. There's a ton of other stuff we can do, so I'm not worried about being bored, but I am worried that maybe he won't want to hang out if I say that... but the worry is very small, because that's the crux of the whole issue- I'll get abandoned by a married man because he doesn't want to have sex with me? Oh dear! Blah blah. It doesn't even make sense- how can I lose someone who can never be mine? It's kind of humorous when you think about it.

And I thought I was going to be all motivated and pack, but I'm friggin' lazy as hell. I've been sitting here watching episodes of Ugly Betty. Although I did make one work call. Oh whoopee for me.

Love,
Duck

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