space and a bright future [ 2009-12-03, 12:22 a.m. ]

#2

Dear Diary,

I forgot to mention that it seems that it's OFFICIAL that M sold his house. I was curious if my mail was even getting to him- so as I was addressing the package, I called his home number. Disconnected. His cell phone still works though- I blocked my number and checked that. So I wrote his cell phone number on the package with "please forward", because I don't want that package coming back. There was a photo that slipped out of one of the envelopes with his magazines I was sending back to him- I know I could've been cruel and left that photo in there, but I didn't. I don't want to play games. I still have a lot of bad feelings, but they are really not M's problem, they are mine. I am mildly curious as to where he went- maybe he moved out west, or got his own apartment in the city- he always felt "uncool" where he was. Oh well oh well.

I was having a very interesting dream this morning in which Bruce made an appearance (of Bruce and Shana, the people I used to live with about 10 years ago). I haven't talked to them in years. Bruce and I got along okay but his wife, Shana, was convinced I did something awful (in reality I believe she was just angry at me because I didn't take the place of her husband and become her emotional partner- she was always angry about something but never expressed what it was, so it was a pretty hard game to play). In any case... in the dream I was at an art show or something, and I saw Bruce from behind, and went up and said hello to him. And he seemed kind of disgusted with me and said something like... oh yeah.. you're the one who disappeared on us... and I was kind of apologizing and then I woke up and in my haziness feeling guilty about how I was so mean and disappeared on my friends... but then I remembered that in actuality, I didn't disappear at all... I tried to keep in touch with them, I sent presents to their kids for a couple years even after Shana was so cold to me... but eventually I felt like I didn't know the kids anymore because they were growing up and since I had no contact with their parents I didn't know anything about them... plus everytime I sent a package I would moniter it with delivery confirmation and for days, maybe a couple of weeks, I would just feel bad about everything.

Duckie's tired of feeling bad about everything.

Somewhere in the house I have pictures of Shana and Bruce's kids, a whole stack of them that I put in an envelope. I took them out of all my photobooks and from everywhere I found them. I just didn't want to look at them anymore. The time with the family was both incredibly healing and incredibly painful. Spending time with the kids was really wonderful- partially because Shana was really good with them, and I got to witness what good parenting is supposed to look like. Through that process I believe that I learned a lot about caring for my own "inner child", if you don't mind me throwing a psychoanalytic term out there. Also I got the benefit of playing with two great little people and watching them grow up and being a part of their lives. We snuggled and did crafts and sometimes at night I tucked them in their beds and told them stories.

The negative part of that experience was that I had moved in with what seemed to be a younger version of my parents. Shana and Bruce had their problems, and they each pulled at me to try to fix what they felt they couldn't get from their partner. I was triangulated in a lot of stuff. Shana would give me the silent treatment and I could never quite figure out what was wrong, not too mention I didn't have good communication skills anyway and it was the first time I had lived away from my parents, so I didn't know how to take care of a house very well or anything like that. Both of them would shame me sometimes about my friends, my spirituality and interest in personal growth, and some of my friends- even stuff I liked such as TV shows I wanted to watch. It was hard for me and by the end I couldn't wait to leave. I was scared and hurt, and I didn't know how to be a grownup.

In any case, that is all water under the bridge now I suppose. I took all those pictures and put them in an envelope with the intention of mailing them back. I don't need them in my photo albums anymore, what's the use? Photos of people that hate me? I don't need it. Plus I kind of remember that Shana used to send everyone pictures of her kids, and she always used to say, "I just know when my kids are older, someday people will send their baby pictures back to me." So she can have her wish- I don't feel really any spite about it- she should have those photos, because they would mean something to her.

I don't offhand know where they are, but when I find them I will throw them in the mail. And after that I have some things to return to the infamous Molly, whom I also cut my friendship off with because I felt too pressured by her. I just feel like it's time to clean up my life, and my space, a bit.

And so it goes.

And eventually I will purge out my closets and that means more space more space... and who knows what I'll be ready for then?? Maybe a wonderful guy in my life. Pia seems to think I'm headed into a very bright future.

I'll let you know.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~