Dear Diary,

Aunt Flow came to town early Monday morning... blah. Class with Serena was good- I felt a little sick in the afternoon with cramps and a headache, but it eventually passed. Sadly, Grace was also there. She didn't engage me at all, and I guess at one point I accidently said something in her direction, she was sure to ignore me. Man I am hating her these days.

After class, Thomas and Gia had a class to go to, so I stayed home, walked their dog and made dinner! It feels good to give back to people who give a lot to me. Tuesday I felt crampy and shitty all day- I tried a hot bath, magic tea, various herbal remedies et al with not much good result. Eventually I was able to rally, do something with my hair, get dressed, etc. Thomas and Gia and I went to dinner, then dropped me off at Shelby's office.

Turns out Shelby was having quite a day and running late, so I waited over an hour for him. In theory it was fine, because I was able to get a lot of work done- (my emails and calls were definitely behind)- but it is really irritating for me to wait for men. Shelby had good reason, but I was triggered nonetheless. Guess there is a reason for this particular dynamic in my life, so I will continue to look into it.

Shelby finally arrived. He offered to take me to dinner, but I had already eaten, so I officially get a raincheck for that. We got in the car and went back to his place, spent a little while cuddling on the couch. I put my pj's on (no, not lingerie, but a fairly attractive nightie). In any case I had my period anyway, and this was only the second time Shelby and I have gotten together, so... there were certain limits, but it was ok, because Shelby was once again feeling vulnerable. I don't know why that happened for the second time, but it just seems like the Universe doesn't want us to go too fast.

We were lying around and Shelby started stroking my arms and chest... I wanted to relax and get into it but the fact was that I knew I had stuff to talk to him about and that was just making me a bit tense. So I told him I had to tell him something... and I told him about my "line" that I most likely cannot cross, and how I got those "messages", and that I was disappointed and angry about it, but it was necessary for me to protect myself. I also told him that I was afraid to tell him about it because I feared he would reject me.

Shelby was very supportive and thanked me for telling the truth. He told me that that is exactly what enables him to trust me so much. He said he didn't like that there was a limit, but he wasn't angry at me and that me taking care of myself is something that he would never reject me for.

So long story short, we are still going to practice and play with each other. I survived! And we had a really wonderful night just touching and stroking each other, snuggling up, and being close. AND I slept pretty well for being next to someone that I've never shared a bed with before- Shelby is big and hunky, hardly moves and doesn't snore. He's also always hot and hardly uses the blanket, but is perfect to cuddle up to when I'm a bit chilly. He even had the sense to set the alarm an hour earlier than we needed, so we could fool around for awhile. Then he made me breakfast. Then we took a quick shower together, and he dropped me off at the subway stop I needed.

It was the most perfect date I've ever had with a married man!

Haha. I hope you think that's as funny as I do.

I went to see Nia, who is officially on bedrest at this point in her pregnancy. She is in good spirits and doing well in my opinion. Chances are she will have the baby early it seems. It was good to sit and have a chat with her about all things. She's considering having her tubes tied when they do the C-section.

Nia is very supportive of what I am doing with Shelby but has strongly suggested I talk to his wife to insure that there won't be any problems down the road. I guess she had a 'three-way' type of thing back in the day and is recommending that from her experience. I know it seems wise to double-check on everything, but I don't really feel a strong pull to discussing anything with his wife. I met her back in July when I first met Shelby, they seemed like a very connected funky open couple, and I really have no problem believing that she is okay with this. For now I'm just going to trust my gut on all of it.

Is it me or did it just take me forever to write this entry?

Phew!

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