Dear Diary,

A big day today... I was dead tired upon waking, of course. I miscalculated my timing and was 15 minutes late for the massage that Emily had scheduled for us. But overall once it got started, it was fairly good. Emily paid for it too, and I paid my own tip.

After that we ran a few errands and went to lunch. My lunch was very mediocre, even thought Emily thought the place was so nice. Bleh.

Afterward we went to the store to pick up some shoes Emily wanted to get her cousin. I also watched while Emily bought a pair of $300 boots. I can't even imagine; I was so proud of myself for scraping together $400 to put a significant payment on my credit card, and to watch somebody buy something worth double that (two pairs of shoes) without a second thought is... interesting, to say the least!

We then went back to Emily's place and hung out a bit. Emily freaked out because there were mice traps in her cousins kitchen and a mouse was caught in one. She was screaming and screaming. I took care of it and put the whole trap in a garbage bag and tossed it out. I sure felt bad for that little mouse but there was no way to get him out of the trap, so I said a little prayer and threw him in the garbage chute.

Then I missed the bus to dance class and ended up walking a whole lot. I made it to dance class and even though I was exhausted, I perked up and was so glad I went. I miss dancing because I used to do it a lot- and now I hardly do it at all. But I can feel my body coming alive, and I swear that I'm thinner today than I was last week. Hmm.

In any case then after class I did a little shopping. Truthfully I have been so crazy busy that I hardly have time to get anything done- there are just not enough hours in the day! But there were lots of funky stores open on this little street and I bought a couple of things- some beeswax candles for Emily, and a purse for Delia. Then I got a little freaked out about spending money, even though I've been working a lot, have saved my January rent already and have been paying my bills. I think it's just a common undercurrent for me, the money thing.

I also stopped at the grocery store on the way home, came home and watched the last episode of Dexter online- still don't know how I feel about it- I guess Dexter is really over?

Oh. Almost forgot. While I was waiting for the bus home from the grocery store, I got a call from a blocked number. I usually never answer blocked calls at all- but I picked up and said hello, and whoever it was hung up on me. Uh, okay. I have an awfully strong suspicion that was M... I mean, it just seems to be the timing... I sent him the card and the package, and next I'm getting a blocked hang-up call? I NEVER get those. Maybe he was going to leave me a message and was hoping I wouldn't answer. I felt like I could bet money that it was him, but now maybe he'll call at 5am when he knows I'm sleeping.

I mean, it could have been Frank, but I doubt it. Frank really never had the sense to block his number before.

I'm really noticing that I'm feeling better. Despite the exhaustion thing, I actually somehow feel more energized, and maybe slightly happier. I seemed to have shifted somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on it- is it the adrenal stuff I've been taking? Is it all the personal growth work and prayer I'm doing? Is it connecting with a man, Shelby, in a healthy way?

I really don't know.

Have talked to Gail a few times in recent days, but sometimes it's hard for me to tolerate her. I've noticed that I'm definitely changing but she has not. She wants to talk on the phone everyday about HER stuff. I don't really want to do this for three reasons: 1) I don't have enough minutes to talk everyday on the phone for an hour, 2) It's hardly ever about me anyway- usually it's constant Gail drama, and sometimes it gets to be about me for about two minutes, but then she relates it back to her own situation- I'll explain more about that in the next paragraph, 3) I don't really wanna! I have been just too busy with work, scheduling and managing my business, clients and colleagues to be interested in having Gail talk my ear off about her life. I don't really know what she does all day- she is barely working, living with her ex-husband (who gave her a room in his house and I guess she cooks and cleans, etc, but she doesn't pay rent and I don't think she's saved up any money)... Mostly I think she is bored and she wants someone to entertain her, but her biggest source of entertainment is herself, so that's what it ends up being about- don't get me wrong- I do love her- but- I realize this has been a one-way friendship from the beginning. I take full responsibility for my part in that, but I'm changing now.

Gail is seeing a married man, unbeknownst to his wife. She likes older men in general, because she's always looking for a sugar daddy type. But she can always find something wrong with a man too. The other day she talked for a whole 45 minutes about herself, then somehow it came to be my turn and I mentioned something about Shelby- and Gail jumped in and started talking about her married guy, kind of comparing the two, which doesn't even make any sense. And I never got to share what I wanted to.

She's dating a guy who's wife doesn't know they are dating. They must go to motels or something? I don't know. I'm "practicing" with a married man with full knowledge and consent of his wife- so the two things are a little bit different. And I'm not using Shelby to pay for things or anything like that.

Anyhow. I'm peeved that I didn't get to say my piece, and that it all goes back to her, that's all. I need to have better boundaries with her.

Sigh.

More of that kinda stuff.

Bedtime.

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