Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a day off, of sorts, and I went and hung out with Bethany and Marva. Bethany had taken care to provide salad, veggies, and hummus so we munched away and had tea, then we ended up trying on a whole bunch of clothes that Bethany was planning on getting rid of. It was good fun. Then we each had a turn in the vibrating foot bath, and it was time for me to go to dance class.

Which was really good. I feel strong and happy when I dance. I might need to find something more regular, even if it's once a week! There is also a stretching class I'd really like to take- it's supposed to me a specialty stretching class that lengthens the muscles and changes the shape of your body! Okay, I could do with a little of that. I used to be most flexible, but over the years it seems like tension and tightness have crept up on me. Suddenly I'm like, "Who's body is this?" Jesus. Nothing like getting stiff to make a person feel old.

And I need to take a class, because I don't do enough on my own. I just get distracted and sit here in front of the computer, no doubt just ruining my posture even more!

In any case I took a hot salt bath last night, made myself turn the computer off around 11pm and was in bed by 12:30. It was very good for me and I have to make it an effort to be in bed at that time or earlier every night! I have realized just how much I have been sabotaging my self-care: I stay up too late when I don't have to and I am probably ready to go to sleep, there is no adequate food in the house so often I don't eat breakfast, I don't plan ahead well, I am late for my massage appointments. Self-sabotage.

I don't like it. There is a program in July that I would like to take that is supposed to help break self-sabotage. I would love to do it, it is very expensive and it is near Serena's place, so I would also have to be out of town. I'm trying to discern if I would be able to manage it- actually in my mind I am already committed to it because I want to change. I am tired of being in my own way, I am tired of feeling exhausted all the time and like I really don't want to do anything, ever- I just make myself move through that feeling and keep doing stuff. Also they say the program really changes your body and makes you feel 10 years younger. If that's not enough incentive, well then I don't know what is... I often wish I knew 10 years ago what I know now!

Still no word from Shelby, but I am not surprised. He is not the best at timing and writing or calling when he says he will. I know his intentions are good, but it's also very good that he's not my official boyfriend, because that would make me nuts. I considered writing him an email that reminded him that I am waiting for his response about what kind of time we will spend together. So I wrote the email and also added that I appreciate what he calls his "greed" for me (i.e., he wanted more of my time the last few times- instead of a few hours he decided then that he wanted me to sleep over, then after I slept over he thought it might be nice to spend the day together), because to me it is flattering that he finds me that attractive. I wrote the email in its entirety and saved it in my draft folder. I'll either send it tonight or tomorrow.

I'm trying to ascertain within myself whether this desire to reach out and remind him to contact me comes from a needy place, or just a female place that wants the man to GET ON with it already. I suppose if I want him to be the MAN in the relationship then I should give him space to initiate- all the books say that the women men are most attracted to are those that are busy and happy in their own lives, not those that are sitting at home waiting for men to pay attention to them. Hmm. Anyhow I wrote the email and didn't send it so at least I got it partially out of my system. It's just practice anyway so I suppose it wouldn't matter, but I guess it's practice to adjust to a man's timetable.

So what to do now? Well technically I have enough to keep me busy. I am treating Emily to a facial today for her birthday. It's nice to actually be able to buy her something since she always treats me and also she must have just given me about $500 this year when I was struggling making money. So we are doing that and I am also working, and there's a dance class I want to go to, and then I might have dinner with Emily again.

Tomorrow is a workday, and so is Sunday and Monday. Then I am really off for the holiday, and I do look forward to that!

Love,
Duck

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