#2

Well, this is the part where I am crazy.

No word from Shelby at all, and it makes me sad. Not totally devastated sad, so that's good news- but just kind of mopey and distracted, checking my email 3 or 4 times today. Why hasn't he answered back? What's going on?

So there's that, and then there's the part of myself that's watching me think like that, and saying, chill the fuck out, you kook. Most likely Shelby's busy, like he always is, or, he's trying to do it perfectly and finalize his schedule so that when he does call me, he has something definite to tell me. Actually, it's only been 24 hours, it just feels like forever.

I went to work, met Bethany and her boyfriend on the break, and we had dinner. I felt like I wasn't very good dinner company because I was soooo f'in hungry and it took forever to get our food- so by the time the food came I was just too busy stuffing my face to make proper conversation. Then I had to run off to work again. I had totally forgotten that I was going to see a colleague who gets me a present for every occasion- shit- I had wanted to get him something... but ... I hadn't. As you can see, I barely got gifts for family! So I thought I would simply run to the bookstore and get a card and a box of Godiva chocolates. Only the bookstore was Borders, not Barnes & Noble, and Borders doesn't sell Godiva, actually it seemed like they didn't have much of anything that I could purchase last-minute and give the guy.

So, the search was fruitless and made me late. Great! That makes me look so great. Of course the guy was there with a little smile, a bag with a wrapped gift inside it. I told him I had something for him, but had forgotten it at home. Now I will have to go out and get something and drop it off, another errand to run actually.

Smart thinking, Duck.

In any case I am home, I am tired, I am looking forward to the break starting Tuesday. I have a full day tomorrow and maybe some work on Monday, I'm not sure yet how that schedule is looking. My house is an utter wreck and I don't seem to have the time or the energy to clean it. I've been working on the dishes for two days now, but- get this it is so disgusting- I've had to soak most of them because I really let them pile up and they had dried food on them. Then when I went to cook there were no dishes and it was such a hassle to wash them so I just didn't eat. How's that for self-care? I'm not even kidding myself at this point, I can't be in a relationship until I learn how to manage my own life a little better and at least stop self-sabotaging on this level.

For real.

With that in mind, I'm going to try to prepare a bit for tomorrow. So I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off in the morning.

Love,
Duck

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