Dear Diary,

Today was another loong day, fruitful but long. I got plenty of exercise at dance class, had dinner with Emily, and then went to work. I feel like I did a good job, so that's rewarding anyway!

Tomorrow I'll be working a bit in the evening and that will be that...

I got a voicemail from Shelby and he sounds like.... something's up. Rather than expressing any excitement about looking at the schedule or making a plan, he mentioned something about struggling with self-betrayal. When I first listened to it, now I realize I got all scared and assumed that he is going to reject me and cut me off. Somehow I went to this place in my brain where he is not happy that I said I can't have intercourse with him and therefore he is just going to cut me off. First I was kind of maniacal and I snapped at Howard; Howard however was surprisingly good at diffusing my snarkiness, haha, I was so impressed.

Then I went into this "fuck you" place and through sadness and the whole deal. My brain got REALLY carried away. Now I just listened to the message again (truthfully I was so worried that I was afraid to listen to it again) and really, there's nothing in the message that infers that Shelby wants to cut me off. He is maybe just struggling with something on a different note, I don't know. I really don't know. Maybe this self-betrayal has something to do with me- like maybe he does want somebody he can sleep with, or maybe, he did some things last time we were together that he wished he didn't do. In any case, that would all still be about him. It might be about me and it might not. It might be that he doesn't want to hang out anymore. In any case, I won't truly be losing anything because 1) you can't hang onto a man just by sleeping with him, and 2) he's not mine to hang onto.

But what I realize is this is MY LIFE, a constant undercurrent of fear that at any moment someone is going to disappear... It makes me incredibly sad to still feel this. It is so strong in my life. It is the REASON why Frank, Ex, Alphie, Don, and M were all so unavailable... I'm attracted to unavailable men. Gah.

So I don't know. Now it seems absurd that this would happen again, but in any case I still have my life. I have my dancing, my work which just keeps expanding, my upcoming trip to stay with Nia, the possibility of paying off my credit card... maybe a vacation... a future of some sort? Something??? Something better...

It will be okay. I will be okay. No matter what happens with Shelby... I will be okay. It's interesting to watch this feeling of panic, worry, shattering.

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