slow... [ 2009-12-22, 4:29 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

This may not be a very exciting entry, just to warn you in advance.

This morning I had a dream that I was in Delia's (old) room rifling through a pile of boots and shoes looking for the right ones. In my mind's eye I knew which ones I was looking for, but couldn't find them. Through the window I heard my mom and my (former) next-door neighbor talking- neighbor was telling my mom, in hushed tones, that they should be concerned about me because I was having suicidal thoughts. When I heard this I felt angry and like it was not true, I had never confessed such a thing to neighbor. Then I saw neighbor peeking into the window and in a fierce whisper telling my mom that I was there and had heard them, and I just pretended that I'd just come into the room. Then I woke up...

Not sure what all that means, I looked up shoes and it said to dream of shoes is about changing your identity. I'm not sure about the gossip part and the suicide part. Granted I did have many suicidal thoughts all of 2008, that was the hardest year for me, maybe ever... 1996 was another tough one so I'm not sure how they compare. Let's not think about it now.

I am on my way to see the parents and looking forward to a week of rest. Finished all my work projects and tied up some loose ends. Definitely felt pressured by the Christmas season and gifts... I read my diary entries from the same time last year and the same thing happened with the same person- I only remembered last minute to buy him a gift and usually end up regifting something that was given to me, or, running around like I did last night. Also Emily gave me a gift- her birthday is close to the holidays so that creates the pressure to get more than one thing... and John keeps buying me gifts even though I never buy him anything and truthfully, you know, I don't want to be buying all my colleagues and clients gifts. It is not something I am inspired to do because I feel like I already do a lot. And gifts should really come from one's own inspiration, don't you think?

Emily's health is still questionable, although now she seems less worried about things with Mr. G. She is going to move to be with him even though she doesn't really like the city he lives in. We talked about how she just won't know until she tries it, and sees if they can get along. She told me this whole fantastic story about how wonderful he is, and sensitive, and blah blah blah, and how they just get along so well and how there is such a sense of trust and no jealousy, blah blah. It seems that she completely forgot the incident of last week when she left dance class early because she "didn't feel well", aka, she was upset about Mr. G's non-responsive behavior. It felt like she was laying it on pretty thick, to the point where I didn't know whom she was trying to convince, me or herself. Never mind also that Mr. G has resisted most if not all steps to take their relationship to a new level, yet Emily insists they are a perfect match and destined to be together... wouldn't your perfect match want to be with you? I've seen her do the same thing with Hal- the married guy she used to see- say the little things don't bother her, yet she just keeps needing to talk about them...

I only know it so well because I've been there myself- in love with someone who can't quite meet me halfway, hoping with every step for a deeper commitment, believing that if I was "good enough", he'd eventually come around. So I can't judge Emily for where she is, I'm just saying I'm not buying what she's trying to sell me.

Gail has still been calling me everyday, wanting to talk my ear off. I think it's because she found a house and she will be moving between Christmas and New Year's. She must be nervous, that's why she wants to talk all the time. But I just don't have enough time, energy or cell phone minutes to give her that kind of support. As far as I know, she has not made any huge strides in saving money, making a plan or changing her life like she said was going to do while she stayed with her ex. I don't really know how she will get herself out of this corner she's painted herself into- the way she talks, it seems she is waiting for some man to come along and save her.

If anything, I have been resistant to even thinking about having a real boyfriend. I don't know why... most likely I am scared of having a REAL relationship. So I will just start slow, with Shelby...

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