Smitten and chocolates [ 2009-12-29, 9:56 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I just had a dream about Smitten - well, a multilayered dream anyway. One was that I was going to school in a basically condemned building that was going to fall down at any time. I was determined to go back to this one classroom and steal a little model of a classroom (a miniature desk and chair) to give to my sister Delia. I guess because she would have some special connection to it.

Then at some point I was drawing a picture on a wall, it was a cartoon of a woman. It was coming out really good and people were admiring it as they walked by.

Then I plunked down a box of chocolates at this desk where Smitten was sitting. He started eating one that looked like a flower, but he was eating it with this little metal toothpick kind of thing, and I guess I found that kind of attractive, despite myself. See I had breezed in rather cool and was not as taken with Smitten as I have been in the past, but I guess he was still somewhat sexually attractive to me. I chose my chocolate and walked away eating it, with him looking after me.

When I woke up I found all that confusing in that there is part of me that just thinks, man what was I thinking with that whole Smitten thing? I know I was a complete fool, I guess it all started when I would just go running for acupuncture on short notice, but it was just too obvious that I liked him, and then I overgave with the cookies and the whole bit. That spiraled into letting him get to me about the whole kissing thing- getting too drawn into the flirting and impatient about what should happen next, then trying to schedule some time together- always me doing the initiating around all of it. Now I just feel so embarrassed about the way I acted!

Shit.

In any case it doesn't matter because that shit is NOT going to happen again, especially with Smitten. I knew better and I did it anyway because I forgot myself, I had have since reread what I already know, which is that if you want a relationship to succeed one must set some standards, and not be so available that the other person is not required to make any advance appointments with you. Definitely do NOT just be on call and available at a moment's notice. Make them make dates with you. Well in the beginning we started out okay with Smitten coming all the way to my place and taking me out... but I screwed up. It doesn't matter anyway because it wouldn't have prevented him from being in love with someone else, so I'll take it as a lesson, and try not to be too ashamed.

Tomorrow I'm going back home. I didn't really get much sleep here. I'm having a New Year's get-together at my place with Bethany, Howard, John, B and possibly Steffy, but now I wish I wasn't. In particular John and Howard have really begun to annoy me- they are both clingy, Howard acts like I am his mommy and he wants me to take care of him, John just feels like he is pulling on me constantly and he always gives me little gifts, but they don't feel like gifts they feel like demands for my attention. Of course the things that bug me about them are the exact same things that irritate me about myself (i.e., my behavior with Smitten), so the irony of that is not lost on me.

Okay. Gotta go start my day.

Love,
Duck

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