Dear Diary,

Had a dream this morning that I had it out with my dad. I was up late while everyone was sleeping, working on some kind of collage project? or something. It seemed I was making some sort of book, with lots of images of plants. My dad woke up in the middle of the night, I heard him up and got scared (this is reminiscent of real life, when I was younger and would be reading or doing something at night, if my dad saw my light on he would interrupt me and yell at me for not sleeping). He came in and started yelling at me for being awake. I had a lot of anger and countered with, "Why are you always fucking yelling at me!" And I don't remember much more besides some kind of conflict and yelling with him.

Another part of the dream seemed to involve me making some kind of weird recipe with three kinds of meats and rice. I was confused...

And at some point I had a very large frog (or toad- what's the difference?) and he was in a bucket of water inside. But he was unhappy and kept escaping. I tried to put him back in his bucket but he fought me. So I decided to take him outside. I was careful to leave the door unlocked so I would not get locked out of the house- it felt like I was in my parents' house (where I grew up). I went to the backyard, which was practically flooded and there were so many frogs out there, as well as structures that looked like they were made for frogs to hang out in- i.e. a cave of sorts carved in the shape of a giant frog's mouth. And I said to my froggy friend, "This is the temple of the frog." I was just about to put him down when my alarm went off. Dang. I hate that. I would have liked to see that froggy have his freedom.

I think frogs represent the inner child, or something. I found it interesting that I was so concerned with making sure the door was unlocked and I'd be able to get back into the house.

For the past few days I've been working on organizing all my tax papers- meaning going through and recording receipts and putting them into folders. That's because I spent some time reading my diary from last year and seeing how I spent MONTHS complaining about how I didn't do my taxes yet, etc. So I decided to get a jump on it this year... so it can just be done and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not sure if I like how my friend has been doing my taxes- I want everything to be squared away with no tricks, just straight up, no "favors". Somehow she always seems too busy to implement things she said she was going to do, like have me pay quarterly, or check into transitioning the money from an old 401k to and IRA... that was years ago and well, I never hear about it again... I guess you get what you pay for.

I am working today and I don't know why but I feel a little fearful about it, probably because I took such a long vacation! I always have that slight anxiety when I go back to work... weird huh? Now I am noticing all these instances where I have anxiety. I may have never noticed these things before.

So, New Year's day was spent doing most of that (until I ran out of staples) and watching Glee. Then yesterday I was able to get out of the house around 4pm and get myself to Bethany's. She was having a lazy sort of party where people could come during the day anytime. Only when I got there I kept running into people from work, and I just felt like they were pulling on me and I noticed I felt REALLY EXHAUSTED and like I could not keep my eyes open. John was there and he gave me another gift- it was nice, but it's kind of getting awkward at this point, he just keeps buying me stuff.

Finally I left and started feeling better almost immediately once I was on my home. I really think that I don't want to go to anymore parties with all those work people. Seems like they cannot separate work from social stuff and they are still trying to corner me about work topics. It is a drag and I just want my own free time.

Last night while I was walking home I got a call from Shelby. We had exchanged emails about possibly making up a schedule, so we both got out our calendars and he told me the dates that worked for him between all his work commitments. In between there was a little flirtation and conversation which was nice. All in all we have five "dates", three of them overnights, and two more possible dates that we might be able to hang out, depending on what happens with Shelby's work etc.

We spent almost an hour on the phone. I like that about Shelby... he seems to genuinely like me, and not just for the physical part. He seems to like connection too. And of course I'm aware that he's not "available" in a romantic sense, but I like the fact that he likes me, my personality, and it's not totally just about sex. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, and well, just about everything that's coming up in the next month or so- guaranteed work, staying with friends, and seeing Shelby.

Gotta work tonight.

Later!
Duck

[previous] [next]