The strangest dream.

I was in a car, possibly a limo, with my aunt driving, and Gail and my childhood neighbor in the back with me. We were driving past my parents' house. There was some sort of conversation about if I ever wanted to get married. As we drove by the house I saw a fancy blue car covered in white ribbon. I don't know what my response was about wanting to get married, but Gail said, "Well, you are now." I jumped up and hugged both her and my former neighbor.

My aunt backed the car into this old field near my parents' house. From there I could see that massive preparations had been underway. Night came soon and there were all my cousins, neighbors, etc partying and running about. There were candles lit in the ditch in front of the house, but only two of them. My dad was driving a huge brown car, and looking for a place to park it. There was also a long white limousine filled with other childhood friends now grown-up.

The odd part about this was that I did not know my future husband. As I watched the preparations around me I began to get more and more nervous. I could see that my sister had done a lot- there was even photo documentation of the things she had bought for the reception. It was nighttime and windy and raining, but my cousins were still out back playing catch. I decided to blow those two candles out that were swaying on tall sticks in the ditch, but when I got there it seemed they had already been extinguished. I pulled one toward me to make sure it was out- it seemed there was a small ember inside that was still glowing orange, but even in the wind and downpour it was hard to blow out. I realized that my dad was behind me, shining his headlights in my direction, perhaps with the intention of helping me to see. It was as if I were in a spotlight.

I had a piece of paper in my hand that seemed to be plans- maybe plans my sister had drawn- about where people were to stand while surprising me about the wedding, and different aspects of preparation. On the back was the map of an island- my honeymoon place? It seemed there was a lot of money sunk into this venture, and I briefly thought that maybe I could marry and divorce if it was really that bad. There was another part of looking at a map that somehow made me think of Smitten, and what would I tell Smitten the next time he called- "I got married." But overall there was the feeling that I couldn't do this, I think I might even said aloud to myself, "I can't get married."

Then I turned and there was my "dad" (up till now my dad had been represented by my real-life father, but now this was someone different, heavier, grayer, and "sloppier", still I spoke to him like he was my dad). I asked him, "Who is this person?" (meaning my future husband). This father was very jovial about the whole thing, very blase, but would not give me a straight answer. I kept asking him questions, but I could not get any information about my intended from him. Tears came to my eyes and this father laughed at me. I became angry and struck him over and over, saying, "You are supposed to care about this, you are supposed to care about what happens to me!" And he became irritated with me. I found myself walking away from him saying, "Fuck you, dad!" over and over again and he called me a little bitch.

I knew I couldn't get married.

The scene changed and I was sitting outside on a stool, almost like in a cafe. There were other people around, including a man I think was my betrothed, sitting at a small elevated table with his father. I was masturbating (yes, in public!), and as I came to orgasm I squirted a high stream of water that went straight up into the air and came down and washed all over me. Apparently my father was also in the room because I heard someone say, "Your daughter just wet all over herself."

So. What do you think of that?

I have half a mind to email this dream to Jimmy and see what he thinks. He was very good at interpreting one of my last dreams.

Went to bed late, as usual, but I feel a bit better today. I have been crampy and when my period is on the way it's always hard to sleep. Still, I am stupid. I was feeling so incredibly hungry. I haven't been grocery shopping- so I found some pizza in the freezer and ate it... perfect PMS food, but bad overall. Maybe that's why my dream was so bizarre.

It's amazing that I dream so much of the childhood house I grew up in, and also Smitten. Not so much M anymore, but remember I dreamt of him solidly for a year and a half? Must be my way of working things out.

In any case, there you have it. I feel all right for now, my place is a shambles- I was still finishing up taxes and wanted to be really organized and mail out a bunch of things and finish a bunch of projects as I packed so I could come home to a really clear and clean space. I don't know if that will happen! Still working on it.

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