Dear Diary,

Last night I spent the night with Shelby. First thing, we went out for dinner, which we've never done before. His idea was to walk down the main street and see what I wanted. So we passed a French place, a bar, a healthy place, etc. At first nothing appealed to me at all and we walked several blocks in the rain before I said, maybe we should go back to the French place. So we did that. Luckily Shelby was totally okay with me taking my time making up my mind.

He also told me that I could have anything I wanted, so I ordered steak. Dinner conversation consisted mostly of work, and talking about the possibility of Shelby coming to visit me and us maybe collaborating on something workwise. There was also a little flirtation, of course. I wasn't sure if I could kiss him in public, so I asked him. He said that since no one knew us there, I could.

It's a bit weird, because it is as if we are having some kind of illicit affair, him being married at all- he wears a wedding ring, and it's kind of strange holding hands with a guy in a restaurant who's so obviously married to someone else. And on the off chance somebody saw us together- well, they would probably get the wrong idea and think I was a whore and he was a cheater. Just funny because his wife knows all about it and totally approves. I don't know what it will be like once she moves to this state and she and Shelby are sharing a house together, etc... but, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

While in the restaurant Shelby pointed out that sometimes he looks at me and he can feel me pulling away from him somehow. He thought maybe he was being too pushy.

Anyhow, we also ordered dessert and took it home. Since we have a habit of slowly going along and taking a long time before we initiate anything physically, I surprised Shelby by going into the bathroom and coming out in my bra and underwear.... he loved it and could not take his eyes off me... he hurried to get the bed set up, lights off and candles. Then climbed into bed with me and... away we go. I noticed that Shelby goes very slow, he thinks he's teasing me but in reality he is just moving too slowly because it starts to lose my interest. Also I did mention that at a certain point it feels like he gets so far gone in his own pleasure that he forgets about me... he was glad I told him that and said he would monitor himself a bit better. So we are talking about stuff.

And he really did spend a long time giving to ME, so, yahoo, Sigmo, I know you are cheering me on! That part was VERY nice. Although I also get to a point where I am just afraid to go any further and I make him stop. So we got to that edge a couple of times and God help me I just couldn't get over it... and there was a point where we stopped and just talked about why I might be afraid. He asked me if I thought that if I went that far did I think that I would get attached like if we had sex? I said no...

And he asked if I was afraid that he would actually meet me there and be a match for me? That seemed to be the one. I have spent so many years playing small and worrying about men leaving me, that I might also possibly be scared out of my wits about a guy actually staying. It doesn't seem entirely conscious, to be afraid of being all that I can be, but, it makes sense. A lot of sense. Since I always choose guys who need work, or can't really show up the way I wish they would.

So I don't know, I remember getting to a place with M where I hit the same block, and I made a decision to trust him, and the dam broke loose... but maybe I am not so quick to go there again. Especially with someone who's not a real relationship... but Shelby is very kind. When we got to that place he just said we have plenty of time. I have to let go of a lot expectations. He said he cares about me, which for some reason was hard to hear. I told him that maybe one of the reasons he feels me pulling back is that I know he finds me attractive, but I have trouble accepting anything beautiful about myself so it's hard to take that in.

Hmm.

I then gave him a little massage, which seemed to relax him incredibly, and truly I was ready to go to sleep. But as soon as that possibility came up, I think he started to get worried that he wouldn't get something for himself, so he started something up again... I obliged him but really I was so very very tired! I suppose I could have told the truth. Guess I'll watch that for next time.

We went to sleep late, but not too late. The alarm went off way too early as it usually does. We just stretched and massaged each other until it was time for me to go- I left 20 minutes later than I wanted to, but I still got back to Nia and Lee's in good time.

Shelby and I are supposed to get together on Friday. Once again it looks like I will have to go to his place... which is a little far away. He had offered to come here, but I guess Friday is not so good for him because he has to travel on Saturday. So it looks like I'll be the one commuting again... I'm a little tired of driving, but I guess there are worse things in life, for sure.

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