Dear Diary,

Just a couple of things I forgot in my last entry:

1. Shelby and I did clear up the whole issue about the phone call, in which Shelby said he could completely understand how I could have expected him to call me. He kind of phrased it like, he sent me a picture of what was going to happen, and when that didn't happen, I was upset... I was so happy that he understood that I just hugged him and hugged him and said, "Thank you for understanding!!"

I am such a dork, but that made Shelby extremely happy at the same time.

2. Wouldn't you know that as I was lying in bed with Shelby on Saturday morning, my phone rang and woke us up... I had forgotten to turn it off. I just wondered who was calling me so early, and fell back asleep. Well later on I looked at my phone and what do you know- Smitten had called but not left a message. I wonder how many times that has happened, because I often turn my phone off when I am going to sleep. And it just figures that every time I am with another man, Smitten gets a whiff of it and he's right there... uh... whatever. I don't think I'll ever go back to dealing with Smitten at all like I was before. When I look back I am just EMBARRASSED... I made such a fool of myself once again even when I had felt like I worked so hard to change myself! I feel like most of last year was just waiting for Smitten to come back and then trying to figure out his bizarre behavior.

I have been feeling off-center ever since my encounter with Shelby. I feel like something is so terribly missing and I want him to fill it. It is just a shadow of everything I was feeling about the bed.... I am always feeling this deep sense of loss. Serena told me I am kind of addicted to it. Good to know... I'm not really sure about what to do. But at least I can recognize it and have a general idea about what the problem is. It is not about Shelby per se. It is about me and the pattern that lives inside me.

So... I'll try to do something good for myself now.

Love,
Duck

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