Dear Diary,

Yes, Sigmo, it's true, no sex. I know that sounds strange, like what the hell are we doing? But Shelby and I had the conversation about it already- originally when we talked about doing this, I was excited about having sex. But then I got two very clear signs from the Universe that, that might not be such a good idea.

You see, I have a little problem with sex- intercourse, that is. As Ex puts it, "If you have sex, then you have to get married."

Okay. So when I have sex with a guy, I have a tendency to get emotionally attached. Even when I know better. As a result, I've always been kind of careful. I have had casual sex maybe three times in my life tops... with ill effects. So, in the past many years, I've had a three month rule. I usually wait until I've been dating a guy steadily for three months before having sex with him. Why? Because I read somewhere that it takes that long to build intimacy, and I found it to be true. Usually after three months, the guy makes a decision to stay or go. Take Don, for instance- after three months of dating, he got less and less available, and eventually faded away. Many months later (when I was dating someone else, of course) he admitted that he had been avoiding me. It's an intimacy issue.

So something happens to my brain when I have sex. I guess I forget all my sense and somehow start thinking I'm in love with the person. Or my abandonment issues rear their ugly heads and are just exacerbated. Now one time I broke my rule with the most disastrous consequences- Alphie. I knew he was polyamorous, I knew he was a player, but I thought, oh, I'm all healed now, I just broke up with Frank, I deserve to have some fun and have sex with a hot guy... And I slept with Alphie. And even though the sex wasn't even GOOD, I still somehow got overly attached to that guy and spent a good two years disentangling from him. What a nightmare!

That taught me a lesson. At the same time I know I've done a lot of work on myself and am slightly better about connecting and separating. But I guess I'm still not ready for casual sex.

So what do we do? Well, a lot of groping, fondling, humping, pleasing with hands and mouth. There's actually quite a bit two oiled-up people can do.

Yesterday I went to the store and bought some soup and other foods to share with Shelby. By the time Stacey and her hubby got home from their day with family I was packed and ready to go, Stacey dropped me off at Shelby's. He was pretty tired from the seminar he attended over the weekend. We ate a bit, then lay down. He started fondling and touching me, which felt so good. Next thing I know clothes were slowly peeled off, and he asked me to touch him. Somehow I ended up on top in nothing but panties, for about a half an hour.

And here's the other thing: I totally WANT to have sex with him. He feels good, he gets excited by me, I get excited by him, I have a feeling it would be amazing... but... I have to be careful. I hope someday to be ready, but I'm not ready yet.

In any case, let's just say, the whole "Duck on top grinding away" was so exciting that Shelby was unexpectedly turned on beyond the point of no return... and there you have it. Which was kind of unfortunate because I was quite, uh, revved up. I had to spend some time dealing with that while he got sleepier and sleepier. Then we started fooling around some more, but not with the same amount of passion as before, and I couldn't help but be disappointed. But I knew he was tired so I suggested we do the right thing and go to sleep and fool around in the morning.

Bad thing was I had a really hard time sleeping- usually Shelby is quite the snuggler but this time he had his back to me all night, which didn't feel good. And, he must have been really exhausted because he tossed and turned and SNORED, which is unusual for him. So it took me forever to fall asleep, and when I did Shelby tossed and turned and woke me up. Jeebus.

I woke up three times in the morning and rolled over and looked to see if he was up, but he just kept on sleeping and sleeping, that fucker. Finally he woke up and announced that he still wasn't feeling well. I kept telling myself that I had to let go of my attachments. He asked me how I slept, and I told him not so well, but I put myself to sleep by masturbating (which was totally true). Shelby was mildly surprised and excited by this. He was asking me what I wanted to do, and I just said I wished he felt better so we could play some more, and I didn't want him to overextend himself (because then he would just resent me later). I suggested we go back to sleep (he didn't want to), or watch a movie or talk or play a game.

Shelby said, "I know a great game we can play," which made me smile curiously. "What?" "Let's play the game where Shelby is sleeping, and Duckie starts to play with herself and then Shelby wakes up and discovers what's happening."

How utterly adorable. Ok, I agreed, I'll play that game. So Shelby lay on his back and shut his eyes, and when I looked at him he even did a pretend snore. Haha. Too funny. And I started doing what I do... and playing it up a little, y'know, cause he was watching... and eventually he joined in, and it got pretty intense, and fun, and damned if we didn't have an orgasm at the same time (cause I was holding onto him as he was holding onto me), and- it's almost like sex, but not quite, but Shelby was very nearly out of control, because I told him, "Pretend you're fucking me like you really want to." Which was all great fun.

How much fun would it be if it could really happen??? Oh God.

Side note: I made a decision to only match Shelby step for step, and since we started playing he's only gone down on me *once*. God dang it. I think I might have to fold and get a wax for inspiration.

In any case, for whatever reason I got a little sad afterward, I'm not sure why, and then I really started unraveling somewhat. We got dressed and ate breakfast and he had to drop me off, (I had the feeling that he had made a phone date with his wife- and maybe he didn't say that directly because he is careful about triggering me re: things I cannot have). I kind of felt like a mess but I just told him, I'm going to tell you the truth, in between the times we see each other I experience at least one time or an extended period of time where I convince myself that I have done something horrible and you don't like me anymore, or I am repulsive or something.

He calmed me by saying that I hadn't done anything wrong. I really wanted to keep myself together and not fall apart because we were separating and I didn't want to put the onus of all my emotions on him. Man what a trip.

In any case he basically said, well, good luck with your unraveling, and dropped me off at the bus. I took the bus to Gia's and she picked me up. We had a bit of a talk about me and Shelby. Gia admitted that she was jealous of my friendship with Shelby- she didn't know why, but she just was. She also says she feels extremely protective of me and knowing my background, doesn't want me to get hurt by this relationship. I appreciated her telling me the truth. I gave her more details about what Shelby and I are working on, and even though she didn't see how fooling around with an unavailable person could be good for me, she did her best to be supportive.

I told Gia that if I were in her position I might have a hard time believing that I could hold it together in a relationship like this too. But for whatever reason, I feel like this is really important for me. I am learning a lot. Shelby is a good guy. And not in that sickly-sweet, I'm-a-doormat-and-I-love-him-and-I-don't-care-how-he-treats-me-as-long-as-he-doesn't-leave kind of way. I know I have not been the best judge of character in the past, but I have done a lot of work since then, and I am TRULY different now. I'm not quite sure HOW healthy I am, but I'm definitely healthier because I am being cautious.

What else can a girl do?

I spent some time with Gia and Thomas in their garden, then took the bus back to Stacey's. No one was home when I got here, and I took the opportunity to take the bath I wanted to take last night and read a book in the tub. By the time the family got home, there was only enough time to have dinner, bathe the 5YO and indulge his every whim before he was put to bed. I was rather relieved that I didn't have to play with him, truthfully.

Shelby is supposed to call me tomorrow to talk about if/when we can get together on Thursday. Truthfully last night might have been a bad idea because Shelby had an intense weekend and not enough alone time. He even expressed that he was still feeling so overwhelmed that he couldn't decide what would be best for Thursday.

I have a small fear that he won't want to do anything at all, and of course another fear that he will dump me altogether, but that seems to come with the territory, doesn't it?

We'll just have to wait and see.

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