three ways I'm okay about Thursday [ 2010-02-03, 1:58 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Today has been a day of excitement and emotional turmoil!

First of all I forgot to wear my earplugs to bed, so I woke up to Stacey's husband going to work at the ass-crack of dawn. I got up and found my earplugs, but to little avail, as 5YO came in searching for toys at 7:30am. Gah. I slept off and on, but not well. To top it off I started getting cramps...

Rode into work with Stacey, left my stuff there and went to have lunch with a woman I know from the lake. I'm not really sure how well lunch went... we haven't seen each other in so many years, and I'm not sure if we have much in common. In any case, my lunch was good.

Shelby called me after lunch as he said he would, but he didn't have time to talk- he wanted to choose a time for later in the day, because he said he didn't have time for a "serious conversation." When he said that my heart dropped to my feet and I got really scared. He said he would call me in three hours, and I spent those next three hours trying not to be really freaked out!

First off I noticed my body was shaky and I was totally panicked, convinced that Shelby was going to say he was through with me after our long night. I tried to enjoy that zippy, panicky feeling coarsing through my body and to have a sense of humor about it. I went through the evening in my head, and told myself that there were lots of nice parts and it didn't seem logical that Shelby would dump me, also I had told him about my fears so how much of an asshole would he be to cut me off after I had gone and confessed to him how much I was afraid he would leave me? I went and hung out at Stacey's office and read my book. She said she would give me one of her museum passes, but I wasn't feeling well with my cramps. Then I took her car and drove into town where I had a meeting- I was very early, but wanted to get a move on because I wanted to avoid traffic, and my plan was to stop at the grocery store and park in the parking lot so I could just be somewhere at 4:30 when Shelby called.

So there I was in traffic, counting down the minutes and trying to make myself feel better.... well it all sounds crazy now but this is how I live my life!

Shelby called a few minutes after 4:30 and apologized for being late... we talked about our days for a bit, and then we had kind of a debriefing about our night. It slowly became obvious to me that he wasn't breaking up with me and his version of "serious conversation" just meant that he had a lot of things to say... He asked me how I had been feeling, he told me that he wasn't really able to let me take care of him like I said I would and that he wanted things to happen but he was afraid to ask for them. We talked about that at length, and he said he saw that mirrored back to him in the morning when I wouldn't let him help me with my sadness. We talked and talked about that kind of stuff... and I notice there are lots of silences where Shelby is just "absorbing" the conversation. He is not ever really in a hurry, that is nice.

Then I told him that I really do want to have sex with him, but I feel like I have a lot of healing to do first. He said he was very flattered because he knows I do not take that sort of thing lightly.

Then he brought up Thursday. Really I had decided that I would be so relieved if he wasn't breaking up with me, that I would totally forgo Thursday... I had a feeling, because of Shelby's earlier hemming and hawing, that it would be a problem to meet. Also I was already feeling crappy and how much can I do on the first few days of my cycle? Shelby seems like a guy who's a little afraid of blood so, it would probably end up being me giving to him and I know I am tired when I have my period- overall I was entertaining the idea of calling that particular date off.

Shelby listed the tons and tons of things he has to do and how stressed he was feeling and how he has felt in the past week that he has not had enough time alone, and that he was feeling torn about how to arrange his schedule. I practically interrupted him and said well what if we just scrap Thursday. He said, yeah, I was thinking about that but... and I said I had a lot to do to put myself back together after all this anxiety anyway, and I could totally understand if he wanted some alone time because personally I could not wait to go home and sit ALONE in my house. He thought that was very funny and I think it relieved him to hear me say that, because he was probably all worried that I would feel abandoned if he really told the truth about wanting some time to himself. Plus he pointed out that he would rather be with me when he is "hungry" than when he is feeling all overwhelmed and pressured by life... yeah... I told him I completely agreed because I had witnessed him on Sunday night when he is pressured- he was too tired to play, slept with his back to me and overall he was much less fun than usual.

We talked for over an hour and left off on a good note. I went and did some grocery shopping and then went to my meeting- it was great, and I'll probably be able to easily line up some work in the future.

I am as surprised as anybody that I just let that Thursday go, but I guess I am changing. I know that when we first put those dates on the calendar, I felt a neediness around wanting as much time with Shelby as possible. I felt kind of bad when I had to cancel one of them because it was the only night Serena could come over to dinner. I was bummed when another tentative date was canceled because of Shelby's work schedule. I started to get a little antsy that we wouldn't have enough time!! (That has always been a big issue- enough time...)

But shockingly, even though I went through my whole abandonment story today because I am a freak, I am really okay about Thursday. One, the whole womanly cycle thing- I am a tired girl when I bleed. And unless a man is willing to serve me i.e. massage my entire achy body especially my legs and feet, and kind of get my energy moving, I don't want to do much of anything but lie in the bathtub and eat bonbons. Two, Shelby is no fun when he is this overwhelmed, and there is a part of me that, rather than feel starving for him and like I have to shove myself in his face to force our connection or remind him I'm still alive, feels okay with just letting him miss me for awhile. I totally felt the lack of him when I saw him on Sunday, and THAT just sent me into a panic. Three, maybe I just need a break. For realz.

And, I realize I have to TELL Shelby the next time I am panicked, and find out if I have reason to be. I could avoid hours and hours of anxiety that way!

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