Dear Diary,

Today I am feeling grouchy and tired, a mixture of feelings. I've been taking ibuprofin all day and being exhausted. Spent some time with Lee this morning, which was fine. Then I was really tired and came into my bedroom to take a nap. I only fell asleep for about ten minutes and woke up in a panic, worrying that it was morning and I had forgotten something important. Then I went to the store with Nia and the kids, which was okay... then we came home and had dinner, I even drank a glass of wine which was probably not the best idea.

Even though I've been trying to fool myself today, a feeling of sadness has pervaded my life. Maybe because I am not working a lot, or feeling unsure about work, I am procrastinating big time. Also I sent Shelby an email of my itineraries so we could make our schedule, and even though it's only been a day, and I know it will take some time for him to organize his calendar, I was feeling sad that I hadn't heard from him.

I know I have a tendency to put too much stock in another person, when I am bored- it is like someone like Shelby is an island, and each time I am swimming from island to island, but not enjoying the sea in between. It is too much emphasis on another person and I know that. Which is why it is good that I will be going home and jumping back into my own life.

What is there for me anyway? I'm not sure, but I was thinking it was high time I got another lover or two. Wouldn't it be interesting if that could happen, and what would happen to my attention then? Maybe perhaps I wouldn't put all my focus on just Shelby, or the other, but have some kind of balance. I don't know. In any case, I am looking forward to being around my own stuff, getting back to being creative maybe, or at least cleaning out my closet.

I sent a gift to Ex, but haven't heard a word from him since our conversation last month. Something tells me nothing is going to happen with him- the Universe seems to have made certain that he has a girlfriend while I do my thing with Shelby. And I haven't heard a peep from Smitten- he did call that morning when I was in bed with Shelby, but he didn't leave a message. I told Shelby about him, the dreams I had about him, and Shelby admitted by the description of my dreams (which are always rich, colorful and cryptic) that the possibility of a relationship with Smitten did sound worth investigating. But I told Shelby that he was simply, obviously in love with someone else, another example of a triangle, and that his interest only seemed to peak when I was with another man. Shelby said, "Maybe you should tell him that," "Hmm, maybe I should," I replied, "Tell him, 'You only seem to call me when I'm in bed with another guy." and I laughed. Shelby said, well maybe don't be so severe... but I figure, why not? It's true and Smitten has not really been well-behaved... i.e. being slippery, at parties and in life... ignoring me, taking the piss out of me with his sarcasm and sometimes just being plain mean, making plans to get together and then going out of town... maybe he SHOULD think that I am in someone else's arms, that someone else is having me.

And M, of course, this chapter is still not closed. I figured it would be (partially, anyway) by now... that the card and the box of stuff returned would illicit something of the same ilk, and at least I'd have my things returned to me, and not feel like there were pieces of me still out there in the Universe. But I have heard nothing, not a peep from him. So what now? Really? He's going to be this lame, and I have to make yet ANOTHER gesture when he's done nothing? Even back two years ago, it was my idea to get together to have some closure, and I realized he was not at all enthused or even interested in that so I canceled. Now he can't even do me the favor of responding?

So I thought about calling and leaving a message, but then the whole concept of actually having to deal with M comes up, and I'm STILL not sure I'm ready for that, believe it or not. Maybe if I had moved on in a different way, if I were in a real relationship rather than a fake practice one with a married guy, I might be feeling a little better about myself. Because really, if I talk to M and he is either fucking every 20 year old that moves, or in love with some new woman, I still feel I might be crushed by that. I do not feel desperate in my life right now, but I do feel ashamed. My life is somewhat myopic in my focus of work, school, and personal growth. I feel like there is a big hole in my love corner. And no, that doesn't mean that I am going to sit at home and mope on Valentine's day- it just means that I can't talk to my ex-boyfriend right now.

Speaking of exes, Stacey informed me that Kelly changed her mind about her ex bf... she offered to take him back and put his name on the mortgage with hers so he would have equal footing with the house... he got angry and said no, the only way he would come back was if his name and his name only was on the deed... and she could live there with him "if she wanted." Kelly finally had the good sense to get pissed and she told him to fuck off. Hooray, I say, but both Stacey and I wonder if her anger will stick. Let's just hope she doesn't have sex with him anymore, cause that could mess up her brain.

Maybe the best thing to do is go to bed, and get up early to deal with all the work and whatever needs to happen. I am tired and I don't think well when I'm tired- I might even have a greater tendency toward loneliness.

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