Dear Diary,

I know I have not updated in some time, I have either been too tired or too distracted.

I wasn't getting enough sleep when I stayed at Thomas and Gia's... the days were just too full and I was so resistant to working that often I would save my emails and computer work till the end of the day, staying up late trying to complete stuff and then be too exhausted to actually finish. As a result I also made a few stupid mistakes as well.

Oh well. I don't know why I make it so hard and get in my own way!

Then I rushed to the airport only to find my flight postponed because of all the craziness that was happening with flights to other destinations being canceled and rerouted. I called Nia and Lee and they came to get me, I spent the night there and slept deeply for about 10 hours. I guess I had a lot of dreaming to do.

Two very sexual dreams- one where I was lying down and being groped/fondled by an invisible man- I pulled him down over me into a 69 position and well, if so far this is TMI then you might want to stop reading now... because then he exploded into my mouth, but it was a never-ending sunami of... sperm. I know, weird, huh? But one cannot be responsible for what they dream, can they? Anyway, that is not something that in daily life I would fantasize about, just so you know. I'm okay with getting it in my mouth, but I'm not really interested in getting flooded with it.

Later in the morning I had another dream where I was interacting with a guy (he reminds me of one of my former clients but wasn't QUITE him...), I guess he was my boyfriend, and I backed him into a corner and grabbed his penis and was giving him a handjob and I noticed that his skin was very dry.

Did you know that dry skin on a penis could most possibly be genital warts? That's often how it shows up for men. I know this because my friend told me and she contracted GW from some guy and had to go through surgeries and whatnot... and at some point he admitted to her that he had been exposed/had them and hadn't told her before they had sex (many times). I asked her didn't she notice them? But she said no, she had only noticed that he had a very dry peeny. Hmm. Now anytime I come into contact with one of those that could use a little moisturizer I drop it like a hot coal, no kidding! It doesn't make sense that a guy's dick would be dry anyway, because you know they are always stealing your hand lotion to jerk off with.

In any case, I am quite hypervigilant about that kind of thing (in real life) and I was noticing it in the dream (the invisible cock seemed clean enough, btw).

Definitely a theme of penii (I have to write that word because it's so strange and how often does one get to write that word?) and male sexuality, but no idea of what it all represents.

Ahh, Duck.

I am home now, arrived late last night and whew! I am so tired. Nothing like a messed-up flight to screw with one's sleep schedule, you know? And this morning I had a dream that I was in charge of a little child, there were a lot of animals around, and somehow we managed to be in a huge Winebago-type thing with Red driving, sliding down a mountain. Yep, that's my brain!

And, just this morning, as I was ready to be upset, I got an email from Shelby telling me he is working his way toward the calendar to figure things out with me... I guess it's been a super busy week for him.

In other news, because of my flight being canceled I had to skip a client meeting, which is okay, actually, because that's the client that asked me to sleep with him, and I'm really not in the mood to see him yet. I could have rescheduled the meeting for tonight, but I thought I'd do an experiment with this self-care thing and take the entire day off today. It's a lot to work the day after flying.

So, I'm not at all upset about not having that meeting. Also, Inez was in town and we were supposed to have dinner beforehand, and that had to be canceled as well, of course, and I am so so relieved about that, because even though I've been trying really hard, I don't like Inez any better. She still just talks her head off with no consideration for another person, and really, there's nothing about her personality at this time that is not needy and wounded and perseverant. I spoke to her on the phone the other day, and aside from telling me that she basically wants to steal my model of presentation (which is irritating as shit), she also talked on and on for an hour about I don't know what, and the whole time I felt like I wanted to escape. I can really only take her in small doses, that is for sure.

Steffy pretty much ignored me the whole time I was away. I asked her again and again to email me a recipe she promised to give me, with no response. Maybe she doesn't want to give up the recipe because she just sent me an email yesterday saying hi, how's it going, I miss you, blah blah blah. She's started dating Matt again and I really think she just loses her mind when she is with him. Her new promise to herself, supposedly, is that she is only dating men who are interested in a future with someone and working toward marriage and children- I asked her if she made that clear to Matt and she said, well, he kind of knows that I want to be serious because that's why he left before- but in other words, no, they didn't really have a serious conversation about it, she just assumes he "kind of knows", which in my opinion is a big mistake. A woman should never assume that she knows what a man knows about what she wants if she hasn't said it point blank, in my opinion. Also at one point she was asking if she should go away for the weekend with Matt even if they had trouble controlling themselves sexually. Steffy stated to Matt that she didn't want to get physical right away, but then there were some "mistakes" that happened- apparently, she does not stick to her guns about this, and they end up having sex even when she swore she wouldn't. I told her NOT to go on an unsupervised weekend then, if she couldn't control herself- my motto is, if you know you can't handle something, don't put yourself in a tempting position where you are bound to fuck it up. But I get the feeling that Steffy doesn't really hear that. Like Stacey and Kelly, she slides slowly toward the drama and chaos she says she wants the least.

Kelly wrote me an email stating that she and her ex bf had lunch the other day... honestly, I do not know why she is going to lunch, talking with and interacting with the guy when things are still so raw. Well, I do know- because she wants to get back together and not be alone. In all likelihood I did it right with M, not trying to be friends right away- I knew I couldn't do that anyway because it was just too fucking painful for me.

Stacey even pointed out that Kelly tells a story of her relationship like this, "All of a sudden, he doesn't want to be together anymore. All of a sudden, he's not in love with me. All of a sudden, it's not working out." Her key phrase is "All of a sudden," but in reality, everyone who knows them knows that it's been YEARS of crap. There have been many threats of break-up and lots of storming out on bf's part, there was the period of attempted counseling in which even the counselor pointed out to Kelly that this was the way bf was and she could either stop trying to change him or leave him. Yes, many years of it not working, arguments, blowups and dissonance in the relationship, so nobody is buying the "All of a sudden" but Kelly!

Emily wrote me an email and she has moved in with Mr. G, been there three weeks and finally taking time off, which is really good for her. She's going to be here at the end of February, so I guess I'll see her then.

That's all I can think of at the moment- I do believe I've complained about everything currently on my plate, and my friends' plates too, so we've got it covered.

Till next time,
Duck

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