angry - at what? [ 2010-02-13, 2:21 a.m. ]

Something is bothering me and I don't really know what it is.

I know I was annoyed when I was waiting and waiting for Shelby to contact me... and even his reply, nice as it was, irritated me...

And now we just spoke on the phone, he was tired and he's so busy and we are looking at our calendars trying to find snippets of time for us to spend together.

But I must be getting a sense of my same old story, that there is never enough time, that he doesn't try or care as much as I do, or something... that's where it feels like I'm being triggered. I want him to care MORE, I want him to try HARDER. I want him to WANT me. I am not feeling it.

This feeling was coming up even earlier than this, some feminine part of me being irritated that I felt unfinished the last couple of times- I feel like I want to be ravished, I want to feel his desire for me and I want him to take me places... I'm feeling unsatisfied in that way.

Plus everything gets mixed up with my old fears i.e. about not having enough time and the whole bit... so if it were a real relationship, maybe I would be less antsy, like if we spent a whole weekend together rather than just one night, I could trust that I would be fulfilled on some level. But now I'm not feeling it. Everything has to be completed and settled in less than 24 hours, once a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm mad about, what is bothering me the most. To top it off Shelby is too mature, so he doesn't bite at hooks some other guys would take. He leaves me the space to feel as shitty as I want to, and I don't really want to feel shitty. This, I suppose, makes me question exactly what do I want- because I might have to ask for it in a better way.

I want him to care more.

I want him to want to make more time for me.

I want him to initiate and finish.

I want to be ravished.

Obviously, I am aware that to ask for #1 and #2 is a bit ridiculous, since one can't simply request that someone feel differently. I guess I can ask for #3 and #4.

Maybe that is the big problem. Last time we focused on Shelby, I said I would take care of him, but I wasn't exactly sure what he wanted and he didn't ask. I felt bad that he didn't feel properly taken care of, and offered him a do-over. But at the same time, my irritation is growing because I am not feeling fulfilled. And I feel that Shelby has been getting a LOT in the way of attention and care and focus on his needs. And maybe he thinks I am satisfied but I am not... I require a little more... the thing is while he is finishing he is so wrapped up in that, that it's not exactly the time to tap him on the shoulder and say, excuse me, but I'm unsatisfied.

I know I should talk to him about it, but I suppose first I should figure out exactly what I want and how I feel. And it has to be a time when he is not exhausted. That's the other thing- he took all day to relax and do all his stuff, but calls me late in the evening when he is exhausted, so there is less for me.

There is probably something to that- there wasn't much of him for me last time I saw him, he was exhausted and spread too thin. And tonight there didn't feel like a lot of him.

And looking at the calendar, it doesn't feel like there will be a lot of him to go around over the next coming months.

Sucks.

Though he did try to redeem himself by reading me a few chapters from a numerology book, about how compatible we are. It was pretty accurate as far as the relationship part- I energize him sexually and he helps me figure out who I really am.

Supposedly.

Grrr.

I'm still angry.

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