Dear Diary,

Yesterday Elliot came over to cook breakfast. He arrived a little before 11am, and of course I was sleeping when he rang the doorbell, because I can't fall asleep till after 3am.

But I invited him to lie down with me and he did. We both fell asleep for awhile. I had tons of tiny dreams. When we woke up Elliot made pancakes, we ate and watched a movie, and then took another nap later. It was the laziest day ever!

I'm not really sure what the draw for Elliot is other than maybe I make him feel very masculine. I am totally, utterly femme when he is here and really just let him do everything. Plus I will cuddle up to him and enjoy sleeping on his chest. I think he likes the feeling of me doing that. And he is allowed to touch me on top of my clothes, not in an overtly sexual way but I know he enjoys feeling the curve of my hip, rubbing my back and legs and holding my stomach while I sleep. Probably for him there is a big turn-on there, but he is polite enough and it hasn't felt like he's crossed any boundaries. So it works for both of us.

I didn't even leave the house! Elliot left most of the groceries here and I just ate dinner, watched a few things online (Marva recommended The Tudors so I have started watching it) and tried to go to bed at a decent hour. That of course didn't fly so I read a bit, and watched another episode... and eventually probably got to sleep around 4am.

I just woke up about 2pm. Nothing like sleeping away half the afternoon to take care of what to do on Valentine's day when one has no plans! I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Part of me doesn't care, as it can be just another day, and another part of me is worried that it will be awful, or feel bad... worrying about it being those things rather than actually feeling sad. I don't know. I suppose it's better to be alone on Valentine's day that to be with someone who's an idiot, or emotionally unavailable or someone who I am in love with but will leave me in three months and shatter my heart for the next two years. Right? I mean it could be worse. I can just use the day to love myself!

I could do that. I think I need to go grocery shopping. Gia was really trying to help me in the areas I don't take care of myself in- and that includes grocery shopping, buying good food and eating it, sleeping, etc - all the very basics. Really those are the two I need to work on since I get a fair amount of exercise, and anyway I don't really have the energy to exercise. I'm mighty exhausted.

Part of me really wishes Smitten were here just for the acupuncture. I just remember that day last summer when he seemed so concerned and so determined to help me. But of course he went away and he has not followed up on that at all, so maybe that was all just a dream.

There is another very good acupuncturist here in town that I used to go to, but he is fairly expensive and right now I cannot afford it- I am working on paying down my debt and I cannot take up another expensive method of treatment at the moment. I've already spent about $80 on the supplements David sold me, and those were even at a discount!

And speaking of trying to save money, Petra and I have exchanged some emails- she sends me a cute thing, I send back, thank you, that's so nice... then she mentions in her next email that she and Michael are on vacation, and when am I going to come and visit because Michael's feelings are hurt that I go in that direction all the time (for Serena's class) but I never come to visit them.

This triggered me beyond all comprehension for a couple of reasons: 1) Michael never calls or emails me himself to express any missing of me, or an invitation to visit. Usually if I call Michael he is not available anyway and it is just a message game. If I do happen to ever reach him on the phone, the maximum time he spends is about 7 minutes before he has to run off and do something else. I haven't spoken to him in months, and part of that is because I've been busy and haven't heard a peep from him! 2) Petra is being very much like Grace when I was involved with Alphie and Grace. Grace used to tell me things like I had hurt Alphie's feelings, and then expect me to fix it. Meanwhile Alphie never had to communicate or have a true vulnerable connection with me because he had Grace to run interference for him. It was fucking annoying, and exactly what my father used to do for my mother- I would get in trouble all the time for saying the wrong thing or "hurting your mother's feelings" and my father would tell me privately and then expect me to right my behavior without ever having it out with my mother. To this day my mother does not know how to have a real conversation and ask for what she needs or wants because she has someone else to do it for her. 3) My visits are for school, not for socializing. I feel like I am talking to deaf people because I have already explained to Petra and Michael that I am at a very uncomfortable level of debt. The last time I came to visit with them I really overspent and went to a spa and came home with a couple more thousand in debt hanging over my head. I have still not paid that down, and this month I actually have an opportunity to make a big payment for the first time- a year later. It's taken me that long! I think that Michael thinks I am crying wolf and that I have more clients and make more money that I say I do. But I really don't have that many clients and I have told him again and again. It is frustrating to not feel heard or believed. 4) It feels like they are dropping it in my lap, that I am the one who is supposed to keep the connection happening and go out there and visit, while meanwhile they have never come my way or made any attempts to visit me. Petra visited me once but that was because she was in town for work. But otherwise, I'm getting the sense that I have to be the overfunctioner and make it happen! As we know I've been put in this position before and I don't like it!

I was so pissed when I got that email, as flippant as it seemed. It just implies a lot to me, but maybe I am putting too much of my own story behind it. I suppose I can work it out over the next few days and see if I can't change my mind. I considered writing back to Petra, and even wrote a draft that said,

"Please don't do that. If Michael wants to express something to me, he can always call or write to me. I don't hear from him at all but then I am supposed to know that I am hurting his feelings by not coming to visit?

My work in _______ is not vacations or visits, it's school. You are always welcome to meet me up there or come to my home for a visit.

Please don't leave it all on me that I am responsible for hurt feelings or no connection. I am always here and will always call you back or pick up the phone when I can. But it takes more than just me to make sure friendships keep going. It takes all of us."

I am most likely not going to send that, but it felt truthful to write it. I think I have to work out in my head what to say, and then maybe I will call Petra and tell her not to triangulate that way, it's not fair and it feels awful to me.

Really I don't have a lot of things scheduled this month or a lot of plans for many presentations or meetings or anything- just a few events. But instead I thought I'd stay home a lot, work on my new work projects, clean my house, take my vitamins and get as much rest as I can, even if most of my sleep consists of naps during the day. I am tired of being unhealthy and tired, that's for sure.

The Shelby issue was still bothering me so I tried to figure out what I wanted- oddly enough the answer was control. So I just made myself let go of that, and I feel somewhat better. I also feel that I can just ask Shelby if we could just switch back and forth in giving to each other and make sure that each person is really satisfied- that seems doable.

So, back to this topic of using the day to love myself. I guess I'll make a nice breakfast, then go grocery shopping and stock up on some really lovely things to eat. There are plenty of things to watch online too, I can read my books or do some crafts.... things I like to do.

Ciao!

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