Dear Diary,

Last night went for an interview, I guess I did alright but I don't feel like I did great. Afterward I actually went out to dinner with a couple of the guys from the company, mostly because I thought it would improve my chances for getting hired for any future needs, but also because I figured, what else did I have to do?

It was all okay and the boss even paid for me. But it was like being with people that jockey to control the conversation and end up never talking about anything important anyway- the kind of people that keep trying to tell you what kind of people they are, instead of just being themselves and maybe trying to find out about the other people at the table.

I can't sleep for shit. Have I mentioned that?

I spent today puttering about, doing some work but mostly puttering. Considering I got up at about 2:30pm, the day doesn't seem that long before I have to go to work. And today I saw my colleague who asked me to sleep with him. Thankfully, he did not bring up the subject again, but I found myself quite standoffish. I was carefully monitoring the signals I might give to him- or may have given in the past, and I might have seemed a bit abrupt, but then again I think he's one of these people that doesn't have a clue. Well obviously- if you read what he asked me, that is plain.

Foodwise this was a good day. I made pancakes today using the leftover batter and blueberries Elliot left behind, and had some bacon with that. Then after work I even went grocery shopping at the good meat store. I like to buy these salmon patties to have for breakfast, because I really don't like eggs, but I am supposed to have protein first thing in the morning. The salmon patties are delicious with little bits of feta and spinach in them. Eggs are boring, and often taste like rubbery sneaker bottom to me. Hooray for fish.

And I cooked when I got home. The fish fillets I bought the other day at the grocery store- I just threw them in the oven with butter and garlic on top, and 15 minutes later- voila! If I sound super proud of myself I am, because it's a challenge for me to feed myself well. Usually I will try to take the easiest way out and just eat whatever chocolate or crap food is on hand, stuff myself with those empty calories. But today was good because I ate actual food.

I've also been working on some crafts while I'm watching all the episodes of The Tudors and 30 Rock online, so my life doesn't necessarily feel like a complete waste of time. I know I'm still a nerd, so no need to point that out. Watching The Tudors has made me realize how fucked we as women have had it for centuries and centuries, treated as property and only valuable if we were virgins, not really able to make any decisions and not able to have a say in our own lives- excluding the fact that I am most likely also descended from slaves on my father's side so how fucked is that?? It's bad. In any case Marva is really into The Tudors because even though she is brown, she would like to dress up in those fancy costumes and pretend she is a lady. Hmm. I'm pretty sure in any past lives I've had that I was never English royalty. I was probably selling dirt by the side of the road.

I also called Shelby. I feel better since our last conversation, but I felt also like I wanted to talk to him about how I was feeling. I realized that I still DO want to take care of him but that also I have these fears about not being in control, being used, and not getting everything I need. However when I called him and asked if he had some time to talk he said, only a few minutes, because I'm going to bed. I said maybe we should talk tomorrow then- because I do want to be respectful of his time, and it's not like it was an emergency. Wasn't that good of me? I didn't get freaked out or anything. So we only spoke for a couple of minutes and I did tell him that Gia had the idea that maybe Shelby should come for dinner the next time I cooked for Thomas and Gia. I felt like it was Gia's best effort to be supportive of my relationship with Shelby. She has already admitted to being suspicious, and also jealous of my friendship with him, and somewhat possessive of me. I am rather flattered by it all.

So that was that.

Now, I am still awake.

Love,
Duck

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