Diaryland is seeming a little quiet these days- I'm just saying.

It's raining today, and that about goes with my mood. I probably only slept about 4 hours, but I had set my alarm because Bethany and Marva and I had planned to get together for a girl's day. Only when I called Bethany she thought it was tomorrow, so I left a message on each of Marva's phones and hopefully it can happen then.

Either way the basic plan was to get up on the earlier side (instead of sleeping till 4pm like I did yesterday) so I can just get tired and hopefully go to bed at a decent time tonight. This insomnia is crazy... the other day I was up till at least 8:30am, that's why I slept so late in the day.

Bethany is really annoying me with this "did you miss me" crap. She takes every opportunity to mention it. I said I hadn't slept much to which she replied, "Because you missed me?" It is a joke, but to the point where it doesn't feel like a joke anymore. It feels whiny and needy and like she is pulling on me to admit that she is missable or something, where actually her behavior makes me NOT miss her at all.

The truth is, the terrible truth, is that I didn't miss anyone all month- I didn't really miss Bethany, and I definitely didn't miss John or Howard. That's most likely because most of the time they feel like my children, rather than adult friends, and I am tired of their collective neediness. Howard wants my constant approval of "how good he's doing," John just wants my attention and continues to give me gifts to try to get it, Bethany apparently wants to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is that last month I was where I was and just doing my life while I was there, and at no time could I say that I missed any of that.

So, my UPS man asked me out for coffee. I kind of knew that was coming. He seems like a nice enough guy so I said yes, but I can pretty much tell there is no potential there. Further evidenced by the fact that I don't really want to go. Don't get me wrong, he is super nice, cute enough, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy, but it doesn't seem like we have much to talk about. I'm kind of interested in all those spiritual/existential questions and personal growth and exploring all of that, and... well I don't know, unless he has some sort of dedicated spiritual practice under that brown uniform. Plus I am just too fucking tired to be social and charming. I am so, so very tired and last night I was practically in tears because all I really want to do is sleep, and I cannot. And when I do it is not restful sleep, so I am just tired all day long and my brain doesn't work properly and I have no patience for anyone's stories or anyone wanting anything from me (obviously). Also it just feels like a bad idea to get involved with one's UPS man. If things didn't work out, could you insure that you'd get your packages?

Would it be a terrible thing to tell someone that I don't want to make social plans until I can sleep properly? Or does that sound crazy? Does it make it obvious that I am not that interested? In any case I just planned to tell him that I'm not interested in dating anyway, which is pretty much true. I'm not terribly interested in dating. I'm not terribly interested in doing much of anything besides sleeping.

The other day I when I did sleep I had a dream and Smitten was in it, he was trying to help me get into a very narrow shaft to slide through and get out the other side- why I don't know. It was a claustrophobically small hole that was all painted white and there was a lot of light there, but daunting nonetheless. I really hate that I wasted so much time with Smitten.

For whatever reason I have been thinking of M the past few days and still just feeling some heartache. I feel like I was duped again and I have some anger about how things ended- on the phone- and I pretty much consider him a coward and he could have handled things so much better. But couldn't we all where breakups are concerned? And now he must be ignoring my letter and my request, I think I must have really put him on a pedestal and thought he was a better person that he was. Maybe I just thought he had more integrity and personal capabilities, but he turned out to be just another guy that wants to fuck women and not feel anything.

Not saying that all guys are like that- but a lot of them are.

Out for now.

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