sticking to my guns [ 2010-02-26, 4:07 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Life goes on.

Yesterday I went to Bethany's house to hang out with her and Marva. I was running quite late because I had to stop at the copier (no I still don't have a printer and my copier is still fucked up...) and also I had to go to the bank. Which felt really good to drop a bunch of money on payment of my credit card! I was so proud of myself.

Hanging out with Bethany and Marva was okay, even though I felt like crap and am so tired lately that I don't feel very fun to hang out with. And I may have been snappy. But then some weird thing happened when Bethany got really snippy with me when I laughed because she was going on and on about how she hates ball point pens. I mean she had a lot of anger directed at me, to the point where Marva basically said, I'm staying out of the way of the crossfire. Who knows. Maybe Bethany is picking up on my irritation with her, or maybe she's upset about something else- but, I am just too tired to worry about it or figure it out for her.

Last night I went to work and B came and picked me up afterward. We ended up giving both Marva and her friend a ride home, then we got lost a bunch of times because they changed the sign, and we almost got stuck on a bridge, and then we took a wrong turn, and by this time I was so tired because I hadn't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep in two days.

But we went out to dinner anyway, because that's what we do. And I did get a quesadilla with a wheat tortilla- that is so BAD of me, especially knowing what I know about what gluten does to my body and hormones. But I was so very tired and I just wanted something ultra delicious. I am back to wheat-free today though, I cannot fall off that wagon.

And when I came home I did fall asleep probably sometime before 3am, and I set my alarm for 9:30am but got up at 11am. It was really hard. I'm trying to shift that balance and also not make my flight on Saturday a complete nightmare.

Today I worked very little but I'm slowly creeping toward where I need to be. And went to work tonight and saw Luke there. I kind of knew he was going to be there because he and a bunch of guys I know are there on Thursdays. So I positioned myself to be cool. He was running late for a meeting, so we really didn't talk other than him looking a bit surprised I was there, adjusting his usual charm and saying hello. I just don't want to look like a dork, is all.

This afternoon I had written Shelby an email asking him to call me, because I was feeling disconnected from him, and I hope to change that feeling before I see him- just so we don't have to spend some of our precious hours trying to work that out. I realized this was part of the problem. I was feeling angry and annoyed with him about the schedule, about my lack of control, focus on him, worried about me not getting what I need, and pushing myself away from him about it all without really talking to him first. I realized this may be a tactic in avoiding intimacy. So... I felt like if I just talked to him for a little while on the phone I could feel connected to him again.

He did call me but I was in the middle of work, then I had to call Gail on the way home because she was trying to think of a way we could work together.... so we had a big conversation about that, and also a point where she had assumed she could be there if she sponsored me, but I said no, I cannot have any observers in that seminar, only participants. And she did not like that at all and there was a point I was afraid to say it but I did say it, and I'm glad and proud of myself for doing so. I think a year ago I may have backed down and accommodated her but I did not want to compromise myself or my work on this issue. So she can be disappointed about it, but I'm willing to walk away if I don't get it the way I want- which is the way I have to work.

Marva had pointed out that it does seem like the Universe is testing me- with Petra and Michael and the visitation issue, the product lady and her trying to force me to buy her mistake, the woman who wants me to work 2 hours for free and I told her I'd only do 1hr of promotion; and now this with Gail. I feel that I am doing very well in terms of sticking to my guns!

In any case I spent way too much time on the phone with Gail and then I had to charge my phone before I called Shelby, and he didn't answer. I left him a message, then some time went by and I thought I'd try to sleep like a normal person and lie down at 11pm. I lay with my phone for awhile and then called Shelby again at 11:30 and just left a message that I was going to try to sleep.

I was sorry to miss his call but it already made me feel better that he did call me, probably as soon as he could, when he got my email. I do feel like he cares about me and that he is a good person. And, he is a man, and even though it is scary for me to ask for something like that- it makes me feel kind of needy- in a masculine way he understands how important connection is to me. And he knows how it will affect how we get along and he made that effort.

In any case, I slept for a couple hours and woke up at 2:30 and now I am so very AWAKE!

But, I just cleaned my house a bit, and started packing my suitcase, and gathering my laundry- I guess I have to do that before I go. So I still plan to get up relatively early tomorrow and finish up lots of projects so I will be ready to go on Saturday.

So... with that in mind, I bid you adieu!

Love,
Duck

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