chill out [ 2010-03-01, 8:24 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Today I have been feelng tired and needy since I awoke, got to class and just felt that I needed extra support. It was a good day overall with a big laugh at the end.

Stacey said she would come pick me up, but I got a text from her that she was already home. I was so exhausted from such a full few days and hardly enough sleep that I really just crumpled- it felt too challenging to figure out how to get transportation back and the whole deal... I ended up getting a ride to the bus station, sat next to an interesting guy (no, not that kind of interesting... just a funky burner musician) so at least I had some interesting conversation.

I was feeling so pissed at Stacey, I knew that most likely she had her son in the car and he probably hadn't had a nap and was freaking out or whatever, but also she waited till last minute to text me and for some reason that just pissed me off.

So I walked from the bus and got here at Stacey's... I've already made arrangements to stay with another friend of mine from one of my other classes a year ago... because I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't know why it is coming to a head, maybe I am just too sensitve with all that is going on for me, but it feels just too chaotic, and I can't stand how the kid runs the whole house, Stacey has been "putting him to bed" for over an hour now, which I guess means she stays there till he falls asleep? That kid is going to grow up to be a tyrant.

I just feel like I want to get away, I want to call Shelby. He feels like the only safe person right now. I know I am needy and clingy, I want to call him and for him to make me feel better, I want him to make it all better. But that is not part of our agreement. I know that. He is busy. He cares about me as a person, but in the end I am really just another appointment in his book. I cannot get confused about that, I have to stay clear about it... he loves someone else, and her feelings are his primary concern. I have to take good care of myself. Sometimes I don't know how- but I am doing my best to learn. Right now it is really hard!!

Okay- just sat here for several minutes wondering if it WOULD be the best thing to call him, but decided to try to keep things as separate and clean as possible... so breathing lots and will lie down and just try to chill out.

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