triangles and enmeshments [ 2010-03-03, 1:24 p.m. ]

#2
Dear Diary,

Allyoop and I went to breakfast today- he gave me a ride on his motorcycle and I treated for the meal. When we got back to his place I packed the last of my stuff, said a simple goodbye, and checked out a couple food stores before heading to the airport.

I've been waking up a lot in the nighttime since I've been here. I don't know if this is a NEW problem or if because one night with Shelby I had cramps, then I accidently left my eyemask at his place and maybe I need that to sleep all the way through the night? Not sure but I hope it's a temporary thing. It's bad enough not being able to fall asleep, but to wake up three or four times once I do is just extra punishment.

I did end up calling Shelby in the early evening but I have not heard back as of yet. I do recall him telling me from the beginning that he is a very busy person with little extra time. Because I had asked him, "What if I need you?" and I didn't even know how to articulate why or how I would need him. Now I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to need him or is it my imagination and I'm just being NEED- eeee.

Huh.

I'm also seriously wondering what's going to happen when his wife arrives. Assuming this very busy man is going to want to spend some time with the love of his life... at this point he has a full workload, classes to take, martial arts, groups and committees he belongs to... blah blah blah. I'm not really sure that he has much space to put a primary partner and I worry about my own place in that lineup. Although he seems to genuinely like me and worries about how I feel, it is an understanding between us that his and his wife's intimacy comes first. And where will we go to be together? I suppose I can talk about all this with Shelby, but you know how when a question comes into my head I want to talk about it RIGHT NOW, especially when there is an element of worry to it, and I won't be seeing Shelby for another six weeks, and during that time he's supposed to be gone for a month visiting her as well... I don't know. There's also the little matter of her wanting to speak with me on the phone. But no use getting anxious about any of this at this moment. Either way it's going to be what it will be and that will be it.

Just got a text from Callie's fianc� that he read my email to Callie and had some thoughts about it. Uh, hello? Enmeshed much?

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