learning from each other [ 2010-03-04, 1:43 a.m. ]

#3

Dear Diary,

As I had hoped, there was a message from Shelby when I landed... he was feeling fine, and invited me to call him back. So I did, and I told him how I've been feeling- pretty shitty, and all kinds of things going wrong, including a flight attendant elbowing me in the chest really hard right when I walked onto the plane (he was taking something down from an overhead bin and hadn't bothered to look behind him).

I told Shelby about my trip to David's, and how David said I should have called Shelby, but how I didn't want to, and I worried about being too much or overstepping boundaries because of our other relationship. So Shelby kind of laughed at me and said, "Did you hear me say at the seminar that anybody but Duckie could call me?" Sometimes he makes fun of me for that kind of stuff but he KNOWS why I am like that- and he said, "I'm just gently making fun of you- this is all just your self-worth stuff coming up again."

So we talked for a bit and I just said that he is one of the most solid people in my life- really I feel there are about 3 I can trust the most- Serena, Gia and Shelby... other people are nice and I love them but they do not feel SOLID to me like those three people... so it's hard. Shelby asked me if there was anything else I needed, and I said I felt like I needed something but I wasn't sure what it was, but then I asked him if he would tell me again that it was okay that I called to ask questions around the seminar. I really felt like I needed to hear it again. So he repeated again and said, "It's always okay for you to even call me and ask if it's okay to ask me a question." Which I had to stop for a moment and process that a bit.

I also told him that I really enjoyed giving to him the other night and I would like to do it again, I can feel how he takes care of everyone else and I like giving back to him... and he said that was his hard thing, to trust that... just like I had trouble believing it was okay to call and express a need, he has trouble being vulnerable and receiving. So. We are learning things from each other.

Turns out Shelby is a pretty important gift in my life because even though he is not a romantic relationship, I've probably taken more emotional risks with him than I've taken with any man in my life. Now if only we could have sex... that would be lovely.

I also get the feeling that Shelby pays attention to what is going on and how fragile I am, what a problem I have with my self-worth and my fear of abandonment, so the chances of him turning into instant asshole and rejecting me on short notice, or because I am weak or needy or vulnerable, are pretty slim. Especially when he can see how hard I work on being honest and trying to take care of myself. If anything it might only be like that if his wife lay down the law somehow and said he had to stop seeing me, but otherwise I think he is fairly committed to the process, and if he did decide he wanted to end, he would most likely try to do it in a way and at a time that would hurt me the least. That is what I'm starting to believe- that I don't hide much from Shelby anyway, and I am more transparent with my feelings, fears and issues than I even know. And Shelby is a smart cookie. With a very big heart.

And now, home again, tired, I dozed on the plane in kind of a dreamy place but that is never real sleep... the flight was packed and it sucked overall... I'm glad to be home now, these past few days have been hard.

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