no contemporaries [ 2010-03-11, 1:09 p.m. ]

#2

So I might have found something to help me sleep, but I"m not sure.

Last night I was up for HOURS and HOURS. I watched "Burn After Reading", which I know some people were saying was just hilarious, but I really didn't find it so. Granted, Brad Pitt and George Clooney played interesting, out-of-the-box characters for them, but I was not really into everybody getting shot and mangled or whatever. Just felt tiresome to me.

And then I was still really awake so I put one of the motivational recordings on, the one where the guy just talks and talks, and I think it might have made me a bit sleepy. I know that in the past, I would ask my boyfriends, or even if I was staying at a girlfriend's house, someone to tell me a story because listening to somebody drone on and on, it actually tends to make me sleepy. The content is not important, I suppose it's just the drone of somebody's voice. And the more boring the story the better. Several times I've asked Bethany to tell me the whole plot of a movie she saw recently, and that worked. Music doesn't work, because it tends to make me excited.

In any case, I'll try that tonight too.

No return email message from John regarding what I wrote him last night- part of me is just giving up anyway. I know that ideally I should work through my anger and give him every chance, but there really is a part of me that just thinks he is a drama queen and I just say inside, "I've had enough. I'm DONE." And that's that. He is tiresome to me, and he needs to learn to get attention in other ways. And preferably not from me, because I don't have that kind of time. It makes me think I was a fool to try to be friends with people I work with- it just turned into a big mess with me taking care of everybody. And when I think about erasing that, then I really have no friends here, at least not capable contemporary ones. Nobody that I can really fall apart with and they will be able to make it about me... Howard has already proven that he can't do that, he gets too easily triggered about women in general and sex (because he is a virgin and has anger at women) and look at John- he's a fucking mess, I don't know..... Bethany has good intentions but gets lost in her own emotional world and pretty much everything for her is on the cusp of being too hard to handle... and Marva might be the most solid but she is still pretty blocked off from her own feelings particularly about men. I'm watching her right now in a triangulation with a couple, so she might have the same issue as me... but also she hardly works or leaves the house and doesn't seem to have much desire to change her life. I think her mother is supporting her financially because that girl does next to nothing to earn any money- I really can't figure out what she does day to day!

In any case, we are all fucked up emotionally but, I am really good at supporting people and being able to tell the difference between what is mine and what is theirs, and when to make it about them. It's not really a reciprocal situation for me. I have very little resources here... gah. Partially that just makes me feel tired, most of all. And maybe a bit sad.

Still, one must carry on. I guess I won't be having any more parties with those guys coming over. Bethany and Marva are okay, I guess, at least Bethany is working on it and in therapy. But John and Howard are just like little children and I really can't handle them anymore.

I have to make a call for work, of course I am resisting everything. Luckily I have work today and tomorrow so it will keep me in the swing of things. Also I am getting a massage on Saturday, one of my colleagues went to massage school and he is giving cheap sessions as he gets going...

I desperately have to clean my house. Have I mentioned that?

Love,
Duck

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