Dear Diary,

Went to work, which was pleasant enough. Ava met me afterward to read my cards. Basically, she says I am processing a lot now (we knew that) and it is time for being gentle and kind to myself. There was some other stuff in there, I guess about Shelby being good for me (we knew this too). Funny thing is three months ago Ava was a little leery about Shelby but now she acts all gung-ho. People are fickle that way. I was actually thinking the other day that both Ava and Callie "warned" me against being with Shelby and suggested I "wait for what I really want"- in other words, spent another 10 years waiting for some "available" man. But in truth I knew that I wanted Shelby because it will eventually get me to that place. My whole life I have never had a truly available man, so what were the chances of me suddenly finding one, doing the exact same shit I've been doing? There is something alchemical about being with Shelby, I am sure of it- breaking old habits. It doesn't look traditional because it's not, but I feel like it's what I needed and what I prayed for. I'm glad I didn't listen to them, especially since they are not relationship experts- Callie just broke off her enmeshed engagement and everytime I talk to Ava she has a new boyfriend...

I also asked about the intercourse issue because I really want to have a different relationship to pleasure in my life. The answer was that it will happen, as far as me being able to enjoy that, but not now. It looks like, really, things will be getting significantly better for me by the end of the summer.

After that little meeting I spoke with John on the phone for over an hour. I had had an email from him in the morning which detailed a few incidents which he totally misinterpreted as proof that I have something against him. Honestly I was pretty surprised at his misinterpretation because it showed a kind of self-centeredness- that things I had done were because of him, when actually my focus was on work and arranging schedules to best fit the company and make things okay for everybody- granted I had not told people WHY I had done those things but I figured everybody knew that I rearrange things for the good of all and to make things run smoothly... so it was almost this ridiculous farce to me that John could take those things personally. But I could see him having such low self-esteem and interpreting everything to be against him (I've had experience with that myself). So I had to clear up why I did several things that he took as personal offenses that actually had nothing to do with him. But regardless he still does not believe that I am not harboring some kind of huge resentment or something about him- really, as I told Bethany later, I told every scrap of truth I had about anything- I even told him that I DO get frustrated with his tendency to focus on the negative. He chooses to still think that he knows me better than I know myself, and there was anger in some of my actions. This doesn't feel right to me, since if I was so angry at him I wouldn't even have acted out- that's not me- instead I would have stopped talking to him or inviting him to my house. He also said he had felt very unsupported by me as of late- mentioning he was going through "a process". I just pointed out that I was not aware of his process, and I didn't really know what he needed from me unless HE ASKS. Duh. Throughout that whole thing was the subtle message of "Duckie you are supposed to care about me and if you really did you would take care of me without me needing to ask." Which is kind of ridiculous, since the guy is like, 40.

In any case, I am giving up on this. Where I get triggered is in the sudden and frantic need to over-explain myself when I have told the truth but someone else doesn't believe me. It used to happen with Alphie all the time, and I would spend waaay too much time and energy trying to convince him when he already had an ironclad opinion. It was useless and I think that one thing I have to learn in this life is to just have my truth no matter who believes me. I did my best to straighten out this situation and told the truth, and that's all I can do. From here I just have to let go of my attachment to him believing me.

I called Bethany after that and gave her the breakdown, she was very supportive and said, "Oh, Duckie, you work so hard to make things right, more than anybody!" Well at least someone appreciates my efforts.

And so it goes. I came home and put the rest of my laundry away (yes! I did laundry!). I cleaned half the house because I was supposed to see a client early today... and woke up early to discover they canceled. I decided to stay up anyway, to try to affect my sleeping ability- and well, we know how that goes.

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