#2

So... I forgot to mention that I saw John last night and it was... fine.

He looks a little worn, like he's going through some big emotional process and maybe he's been crying home alone. I made it a point to ask him how he was and if he needed anything- and he didn't request anything of me, or really tell me any details of anything, so it's still in his court. Part of me wonders if he is carrying out this drama so he can be "needee" and then maintain my attention on him because it means I'll be asking how he is and what he needs... and another part of me is wondering if he is really starting to look at his own shit and realize that yes, things are fucked up and really, a lot of it has to do with his own perspective. I know from experience that it is always a trip to suddenly see into one's own darkness and realize, "Oh my god, I am fucked up, I have really been thinking that everything worked like XYZ forever... and now suddenly it dawns on me that not only is that not true, but I have made it true for myself by thinking this way and applying that rule to every situation and relationship in my life!"

I don't know. I woke up a bit after 5am this morning hearing some kind of... humming. HuUmMMmmmmmmmm. I had no idea what it was and unplugged everything in the bedroom. It still hummed. Then eventually it stopped. I still don't know what it was. It is not garbage day or anything like that, it was nothing outside, it really sounded like a humming from inside.

Then I slept till my alarm went off at 11:30am, and lounged in bed till noon... it's the most I've slept in days and days! And I could sleep more, but I have to pack to go to my parents' and have to get up early besides...

I had to call Carla about work tonight, but I don't really have any desire to talk on the phone when I first get up, or even during the day for that matter. Especially with people like Carla, there is something that is very bubbly about her... but more like she is a balloon and about to take off any minute... meanwhile I am down here being the practical one and I feel like I have to tug on her string and keep her down here... I don't like being the string-puller. I wish people could keep themselves together. I did call her and tried to make the conversation as short as possible. Basically I had to remind her to have what she wanted to say written down, because there is a tendency for her to give instructions that nobody understands. Then she says okay, go! And people are just sitting there looking at each other and not really clear what to do and nothing happens. So I did call and I was brief, I don't know if I came off as being cold, but that's the best I can muster at this time.

Also I put in a bid with a new client and it was accepted. I didn't really know how much to charge, and I asked Ginny and talked to Bethany about it... the actual number they both recommended was high, but even when Bethany worked an hourly out on paper it actually made sense. I was still afraid though and bid $50 less than they recommended... I am a chicken. But I guess it's good practice, next time I might say the bigger number.

In any case it seems things are doing okay with work, as far as appointments set up. But, I tend not to count the money until it is in my hand, because things have a tendency to shift. It is not uncommon, and in fact just happened over these past two days, that someone will hammer me via email about all kinds of questions and things they want to know about and oh yes they want to come to a presentation and have this and that... then they cancel at the last minute because they stubbed their toe. Literally, I just traded info with this woman on Friday or Saturday, she signed up to come in tonight, and this morning she wrote me an email saying she sprained her toe and couldn't stay out late. I mean, seriously?

Whatever. If I have learned anything in the past few years of having my own business, it's that there are plenty of undependable people out there, and just like money, I shouldn't believe that they are actually committed until I see them in front of my face. And people will create all kinds of drama for themselves in order to avoid getting what they really want. Period.

Speaking of undependable, we could mention Marva, who was supposed to come in last night, but wrote me an email on Friday saying that she was going through some emotional stuff and might not be able to come on Sunday, but if I made those cookies I should save her one.

Marva is just weird because she is always going through "emotional stuff" which is never defined, and, how could she know on Friday how she was going to feel on Sunday? It's like she had already made the decision that she was not going to be up for doing anything other than sitting in her house. Alone. Which she does all the time anyway. I know I've said it before, but she is a complete and utter mystery to me... I don't know how she is earning money- she actually seems to resist working at all. She is too busy "processing" her emotions to come out but I see her all over the place on FB. Whatever! She is just kind of a flake.

I know I shouldn't use FB as any kind of measure of anything- it makes modern life more frustrating when you are having an issue with somebody and then you see their FB status and wonder, Oh, that person doesn't have time to do XYZ but they have time to sit and do all that shit on FB? Or, you wonder if their FB status is a passive-aggressive statement about you... oh the trouble FB can cause! I noticed that John was doing some of that on FB when we were going through our difficulty... and then he commented on one of my posts with a very dramatic "poor me" kind of tone... gah. Stay away from FB when shit is going down, people.

I have to clean and pack but I am resisting it with every fiber of my being!!

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