under wraps [ 2010-03-16, 11:52 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I don't know what it is, but there is something about me and transportation... why is it that even when I get up at 7:30am and leave the house by 9, where logically I should have plenty of time, that of course is the day I run into numerous delays and *almost* miss my scheduled transportation. It happens with trains, planes and automobiles... what is it about?

In any case, after *just barely* missing my bus, I was on my way to my parents'. My dad picked me up and brought me back. My mom was out, and I wanted to spend some time with my dad, so we started a project. My mom came home, my dad started cooking dinner, and I went for a walk. It's the first day of really nice weather in awhile.

I stopped by and saw a couple of the girls I grew up with (if you can at all say that I've grown up)... both of them have babies, one a four month old girl and one a boy born less than a week ago. It's good to see them, the talk of course is babybabybaby... but it's okay. Uncomplicated. They both told me I look "'really good" which is weird because LOTS of people have been telling me that lately- I wonder if it is a result of seeing David, or Shelby, or the workshop, or all of the above... but people seem to be remarking on my beauty or my health, implying there is more there. Well, hooray.

After my spin around the block I came home and had dinner with my parents, the neighbor lady came over (this lady used to babysit me!). We ate and I was yawning and yawning during dinner, yes I am tired for sure from waking up so early but also my mother's conversation seems to revolve around complaining, and it is just not fun to be around. Neighbor lady asked me if I was seeing anyone, how is life and work, etc. There is not much to say. You pretty much can't talk about the fact that you're seeing a married man and his wife's okay with it and it's more about spiritual and personal growth than about fucking- people just don't know how to hear that! So I have to say no, I'm not seeing anyone, and then my life must sound really boring. Oh well! Better that people don't know, because they couldn't process it anyway.

Reminds me of the fact that yesterday I was feeling so so shitty... irritated and weird, I went to get my eyebrows done, which was excruciating because I waited too long... and stopped in to see Simon and Jim and got a free lunch. I was originally going to get it to go but I was so hungry I just sat there and gobbled the whole thing, Jim made fun of me. And Simon was doing his usual thing of flirting heavily and calling me baby and honey and basically trying to make everyone in the restaurant think that I was his girl... he had to leave but as he was driving away he was like, "Goodbye, my queen!.... and how are things going with the boyfriend? When's the wedding?" I gave him the thumbs up but I had totally forgotten that oh yeah, Simon still thinks M and I are together! Ha. I never told him we broke up because as soon as I do Simon will think I'm available and start hitting on me and he does NOT take no for an answer and I do not want that. I want my casual friendship and light flirtatious mood and free food, but I do not want him trying to devour me like he did before (for those that haven't been reading long enough to know, several years ago when I was single Simon hit on me hard and practically assaulted me- it was horrible and I was in tears and did not talk to him for half a year... he apologized in the moment but is from a culture that really doesn't respect women anyway, so he doesn't even GET what he did wrong... he thinks he can convince me to grow to be attracted to him. Not happening). So I keep the boyfriend myth going, it's easier that way. That's just another thing I keep under wraps.

A really big highlight for me today was getting an email from Shelby. He said he was just checking in with me. He is visiting his wife in her current location. so it felt nice to know that he was thinking of me and wanted to know how I am. I wrote him back a long-ish email, trying not to be self-conscious of what I have to say, trying to share myself and be okay with that. Testing the waters. Okay.

Hoping sleep comes easily.

Love,
Duck


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