waiting for joy [ 2010-04-02, 4:24 p.m. ]

#4

Even though the sun is shining, I am not feeling so good. I don't know why. I realize that for the past couple of years I've merely been surviving... spending a lot of time indoors watching movies and shows online, not sleeping a whole lot, just trying to get through each and every day.

I think I was actually happy at one time- and not a delusional kind of happiness- I really believe that I was excited and pretty joyful about being alive. And then things with M really deteriorated, and that brought up a whole bunch of stuff for me. We know it wasn't just M, we know it was much more. And now it's been two and a half years and I still don't feel much joy about my life. Yes, things have definitely gotten better since 2008, which was just a struggle to be alive and I thought about suicide daily. And 2009 was tough but better than the year before. But I'm still having trouble finding passion and joy.

I could do anything with my days, but I really don't know what to do. I could create something, go anywhere, explore my town, but I am fairly unmotivated. I don't know.

Today I went to the post office. One of my goals was to just get outside, so, I guess I did that. Then I really didn't know what to do. I went to the dress shop, and bought a dress and a pair of sunglasses and two new pairs of underwear. I've decided that I want nicer clothes that I am not embarrassed to be seen in, and that includes underwear. I realize I've collected so many hand-me-downs probably because I never thought I was worth new clothes. Now I have some new clothes, I don't shop a lot but every now and then. And I bought a dress today- I don't know if it was a wise expenditure but, I was trying to make myself feel better.

It didn't work.

Maybe I'll eat something and take a shower, that may improve my overall outlook on life.

Love,
Duck

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