Dear Diary,

Things moving slowly today.

Last night I got myself together for work. I tried really hard to perk up, but it was difficult. B ended up showing up, and normally I would have just gone out with him after work, but the truth was there was also a really cute client there and we were all going out.

I had already worked on a project for him for a few days, so I knew him and we did have this flirtatious thing going on. Bethany started cuddling and flirting with him at dinner. It was slightly irritating to me I confess, even though I had no claims on him and anyway, couldn't really- it would be unprofessional. But Bethany also basically stole one of my ideas, without giving me credit, so there was all kind of annoyance for me yesterday. I know I am being petty, but what can I say? That girl was miserable all week, so miserable I could barely talk to her, then she takes credit for an idea of mine and flirts with someone I was feeling a connection with. She's already got her man that she's three or four times a week, and I guess things are feeling kind of sparse for me.

I should know better and especially that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But still.

Ended up staying up too late, and waking up late too to the sound of the neighbors tramping about upstairs. Barely did anything today. Did a bit more handwash in the sink, and just keep on organizing my clothes. Very little work on the computer, and I did go out and walk in the park, but for such a short time. I'm not feeling very motivated. I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her to go outside and go for a walk. My mother hardly gets any exercise, she is basically depressed most of the time and will find any excuse not to do anything at all. Sound familiar? That's most definitely where I get it from.

In any case I find myself giving advice to most people that I should be taking myself. It took all my strength to get out of the house and then I felt very self conscious because I really hadn't prepared myself at all.

I talked to Jimmy on the phone, just to catch up. He sounds all right, but the same kind of depressed sort he always was. We didn't mention Smitten at all. Truthfully I am wondering if that was the only thing that connected us. In any case I asked Jimmy if he was still dating that blond girl, he said he hadn't seen her in awhile, and was really not too focused on needing to date someone. He asked about me and I basically told him the truth- that I was seeing somebody out of state, but it wasn't romantic, and that I might hook up with an ex of mine. I don't know why but most of the time I am not a good liar, and I was thinking I could've spruced that up a little to at least make it sound better in case Jimmy goes and tells everything to Smitten.

I know I shouldn't give one shit what Smitten thinks anyhow. He's probably not doing much better than me- he was really rather forlorn and indirect and kind of sarcastic and provocative anyway. I think I put him up on too much of a pedestal. Even if he is seeing anyone I'm sure he is just the same and confusing some poor girl, if not himself. I'm not really missing anything in that department. Shelby is 80 times the man Smitten is in terms of showing up and being truthful and communicating, and that's the kind of men I want in my life now- not Smitten bullshit. So who cares what he thinks.

I read a bit of my diary from last year at this time and I have trouble loving myself through the reading of putting up with all that. I know it only got more confusing in the summer time. I have to keep turning my face toward something better. My relationships will not be the same... they will be healthier, more fulfilling... I will be better.

Mostly what I did today was watch movies. Perhaps a wasted day. I do not know what needs to happen for my feelings to change, but I hope it happens soon.

Love,
Duck

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