Dear Diary,

Busy days ahead.

Wednesday night at work came with a huge surprise. My colleague, being quite well off in the first place, offered a few of us cash gifts. For me personally, since we have shared a lot he knows that I have been struggling with debt. The money he gave me was generous, and while not nearly enough to pay the sum that I owe, quite large in its own right and will go a fair way in making a dent. He seems to have given up the idea of sleeping together, which is a relief, or maybe he has enough sense to get that I really wasn't interested!

I have been trying to sleep like a normal person, still without success. It seems I don't even get marginally tired till around 3am. Kind of a drag. Yesterday I did get up and get laundry going though, which is always a Big Deal. I knew I had a lot to do but I made the mistake of not writing it all down, so in my random meanderings through the day I forget the volume of it all, and then I don't leave myself enough time. Bad Duckie. So I did get the laundry done, and also made some copies for my presentation on Sunday, but there was still a whole lot more I could've achieved.

Yesterday Zeke called me and I was relatively excited about that, but my balloon was soon busted. As you know I got some kind of excitement around hooking up with him again, and even sent him a photo by phone of uh, certain parts of my anatomy. I thought he would be pleased with the photo (it is actually quite nice showing a certain generous portion of my hind end and the curve of my lower back, nothing vulgar). Most men would have been just excited by the curves but Zeke basically complained that he couldn't see any creases and that's what he really wanted to see... he could've phrased it in a much nicer way kind of saying he wanted to see MORE... but he didn't. Then we were talking about the weekend and I was talking about some of my clients and how they obviously had money and he said, "Those are the biggest scumbags on earth," which was a rather violent thing to say and I'm not really sure what that's about, if Zeke just hates people with money or what- which doesn't make any sense since he's trying to get more money... but really, I realized he is still anger and bitter and critical and he hasn't changed all that much in that way. And at that moment I kind of said to myself, oh, there it is, that's why I didn't talk to him for six years.

So I don't know. Now I may have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle as far as propositioning him, but whatever. I don't have to tell him everytime I go see my parents. What a drag, however, that he has to be so judgmental and angry, it really turns me off.

In any case, I did those copies and went to work and then afterward I ran to go see Ginny, who is in town briefly doing some work and cleaning up her father's house for rent. I just caught the last few minutes of her presentation. It was the usual room full of colleagues, and I was slightly surprised that Louie wasn't there. Don was there (guy I dated for 3 months before he disappeared) and when I talk to him I just get a weird feeling that he is cheesy and full of shit. He is so disingenuous and manipulative, all the while pretending he is a big man. It is just icky to me. Not to mention a whole slew of people there who when they say hello they try to kiss me on the mouth. I really hate that. What is that? I don't want your wet lips on me. It's even one thing when someone kisses you on the cheek in that way when they are trying to be European or something... that to me can be quite discomforting. But this bullshit about trying to kiss me on the lips, that's just gross. I don't (or I do) know where your mouth has been... gah.

I really only spoke to Ginny for a few minutes since she was so busy with everybody else. But LilyB was there and she is fabulous as always, I told her we absolutely need to get together... miss her terribly.

Afterward I came home and talked to Marva for a bit, Howard is staying with her for a couple of days so I ended up with both of them on speakerphone. I made some copies for my big day on Sunday while we were talking. I ate some dinner (so damn late) and then signed off... then I finished up some computer work and talked to Shelby for about an hour. We talked about various things- well I did. I basically talked his ear off. About my dreams, and some work things, and the possibility of him coming here, and how we'll work out when I am there. I also asked him what will happen when his wife moves back... where will we hang out? He said he wasn't sure, but that we would have to be creative. I basically asked for confirmation once again that we don't have to be "finished" with anything before she gets back? And he said no, we don't have to be... that was a relief and basically I told him that I was scared, because I've had so many instances of the rug being pulled out from underneath me, things changing before I am ready. So overall it was good to talk to him and I notice that he seems a bit more relaxed with me and tries to be funny. That cute lil' Shelby.

Now I am up early with loads to do, so I suppose I should get cracking...!

Love,
Duck

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