Dear Diary,

Lots of work these past couple of days. Saturday was especially long- after all my travel and work and more travel, I did stop by that birthday party. It was filled with the usual straight and narrow conservative folks, accountants and 9 to 5 types. I had very extremely small talk with a few people, played with my colleagues cats, and talked more extensively with another couple who were probably the coolest people there. At any rate my colleague of course was having a wonderful time and getting a little tanked. He does like having a birthday party and all the love and attention.

This is the colleague whose girlfriend dumped him very close to the time that I lost M... then a year or so later they started talking again. Turns out they are seeing each other now, not exclusively, but I guess just having lots of sex on the weekends. She was at the party. I find her very annoying. She's not very good at personal space, and I guess it wasn't obvious enough that I was exhausted because she was asking me questions about work, like advice about stuff she could do.

I hung out for an hour and a half, then I just had to go. I took a cab home, was back by 11pm and in bed, watched a show on DVD and probably conked out before midnight.

Sunday of course was a full 10 hour day of work, then dinner out with Marva and Bethany. Haven't seen either one of them in quite a while, so it was nice to hang for a little bit. Dinner, then I stopped at the grocery store, and home again.

Today, my day off, I slept in and cleaned up a bit. My house turned into a wreck again since I've been doing close to nothing but working, running in and throwing my crap all around, maybe falling down to sleep and then running out again. The good thing, I suppose, is I have managed to sleep just because I've exhausted myself. Not so tonight, apparently, but still. It's nice when it happens.

Afterward I went and received a massage, from Ginny's ex-boyfriend. I was especially nice and tipped him very well. I was feeling really nervous just about spending money. Even though I've made a good amount of money in the past week, and even received a cash gift (which went straight onto my credit card, by the way), I still get nervous. Thinking that maybe this experience of being flush is only temporary, or there is still not enough, or something like that. There is still big fear around money. I tried to soothe myself and say that it's totally okay for me to invest in a massage for myself especially after a whole week of hard and lucrative work. And also trying to imagine what it would be like to always have money in my pocket and continue to make big bucks...

Despite that I was still trying to relax and started looking at plane tickets to go visit Delia. I got very concerned because I found a ticket on the cheap side, and texted her to call me asap. She called me when she was out of work, but she was practically yelling at me because she was driving in traffic and had just made 12 work calls and basically, yeah, she was a bitch, saying, "And this is why you should never call me after work @#$!@^*&^%!" I guess she was irritated because she thought there was some kind of emergency. But in any case it was Delia at her worst. When she snaps at me like that I feel like I've been pierced with knives. It sent me into quite the downward spiral, afterward I was feeling really awful. She sent me an email apologizing, but I still don't feel so good.

Forgot to mention that I spoke with Petra today too. She and Michael are going on lots of vacations. Apparently they are going on a three day cruise with Alphie and Grace soon too. Petra says she can't really stand more than three days with them. So I guess they've been in contact, I didn't really ask about them but maybe I'll hear some gossip afterward if I call for Petra- I'm sure there will be some fucked-up story she can tell me. Shelly also called me and we chatted for a bit. I hope to hang out with her when I am next in town for Serena's class.

I also stopped by to see Simon and return his GPS and have some food. Simon kept asking me questions about my boyfriend... uh... so in case you dear reader do not know, I have been lying to Simon for over two years about being broken up with M. I never told him. Why? Because I don't want him to hit on me. After I broke up with Frank, there was an incident with Simon where he tried to date me- pursuing me and insisting we should be together even though I said no and we are just friends and I consider him more like a brother, and ended up pushing me way too hard- basically coming onto me when I was locked in his house and practically dry-humping me until I burst into tears... and it really scared me. I didn't talk to him for six months. We made up, but it is obvious he would do it again. I told him when we broke up in the fall of 07, and he started acting differently. So then I told him we were back together. He was asking me today when I am getting married. I said I don't know. He was pressing me with questions, how long had we been going out, had we talked about marriage, did M ever talk about it, etc. etc. I was just lying my head off. Is that terrible? I am only trying to protect myself from a lot of grief. And basically in my mind Simon doesn't really deserve to know the truth because he has already proven that I cannot trust him when I am single.

So... I have a little work lined up for Wednesday and Thursday, and I actually made a proactive call to a client that made a couple appointments but canceled them. I don't usually follow people around like that but I am on a mission now, to pay off my debt, my mother, and go to that seminar this summer!

And there you have it.

Having trouble sleeping, and still feeling a bit raw from my conversation with Delia.

:(

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