a boundary with Paul [ 2010-04-23, 11:12 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Once again not doing so great with my sleeping situation. I couldn't sleep so got up and was watching 30 Rock on my laptop, and I actually fell asleep in front of my computer. I don't even know if that's ever happened to me before.

In any case, I woke up a lot, and was having cramps and dreams and waking up but only half-awake and not totally realizing I had cramps. Yeah. Fun.

I had a lot to do, so I worked on packing and cleaning. I took a shower and ran to the bank, because I wanted to make sure my checks don't bounce! I got ready and went to work.

Work was fine and a little low key. I wish I had something more exciting to say with this whole entry, but I really don't. It was just a challenge to feed myself properly and get myself straightened out today, and slog through work.

I'm a little worried about money since I checked tickets and they have nearly doubled. It's hard to believe, I don't know if it's just for summer or what, but I hope they go down or there's a sale or something... it sucks. I just made all this headway making payments on my credit card, and with these prices I'll just be back where I was unless I start making more money. Which I hope I will. I hope I get that other job.

Oh, I can't remember if I did mention that I heard from Paul. He's a guy I met soon after M and I broke up- he asked me out on the bus. We went out to dinner a few times, but all in all he was boring. He had no imagination, he didn't even have a favorite color- I was astounded by that. I never met anyone who didn't have a favorite color. In any case, I was probably mildly attracted to him because his eyes were kind of like M's. But he was different in every other way - boring, and repressed, and well.. the whole thing didn't go anywhere. We were both in love with other people. He was hung up on some girl in South America. He went somewhere for work for about three months, Canada or someplace. Then he came back and called me once. We ended up talking about something and I recall him saying, "I feel better just talking to you."

Last week I got an email from him acting all friendly. He informed me that he moved to South America, I'm assuming to be with that girl... He asked if I could give him some kind of reference there, but I don't know anybody there. Then he wrote back, which was surprising. I know I haven't heard from him in over a year. He wrote that he had an "intense situation" in his life that he really wanted to talk to me about. Figures. Really he only contacts me when he needs something- comfort, a reference, now advice for a big problem. It irritates me. He called me over the weekend. The first time I didn't know who it was and there was no message, but then he wrote me an email saying he tried to call. He must be really desperate for my wisdom because he called again this morning. I recognized that weird number and smashed it straight into voicemail. Then I wrote him an email explaining that I charge for consultations and here is my rate. That felt scary to do but the truth of it is we are not friends- in two years or whatever it's been, he's never checked in with me just to find out about me. To pretend anything else is ludicrous, and the truth is I am tired. I support a lot of people, and I have a shitload of stuff I'M trying to work through- I do not have the time, the energy nor the inclination to become some user's sounding board... so he can just fade into the woodwork and call me a year from now wanting more advice? No thank you.

So maybe we should celebrate this, Diary, because we all know that for me to have such a boundary is not the norm.

So there.

Hooray.

Oh, and p.s. - I was totally bummed when one of the diaries I read first thing in the a.m. revealed the winner of Project Runway. No spoiler alert or anything- I haven't seen the episode yet!

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