Talked to Shelby today, about some of the things that came up for me at the last seminar. He helps to ground me and set me straight.

He said his wife liked my gift, and even wore it, but he didn't say anything about the card I wrote her. Maybe she's still absorbing everything.

We also established that we won't have any time together in July. Although I was expecting that to be a possibility, I am still slightly disappointed. We've already talked about June and Shelby just won't have time for me due to work. Then in July he and his wife are having a big reception with friends and stuff that couldn't come to their wedding, and I guess they'll be gone for the whole month. Even though he might be around, I got the gist that he had to put all his attention on preparing for that big party and whatever. I find myself looking for ways to feel bad, like telling myself "Oh, he will be in town but he doesn't want to see me because she is more important."

Uh. Yeah. That's already been established, and that is one of the rules. Their intimacy comes first. In a way it feels back to childhood and they are the parents. Mom and Dad have the primary relationship and my relationship with me is never going to be like that. Rationally I know it makes sense because, they have that agreement, and I don't think Shelby and I could ever really have that relationship anyway.

But still, I have an old bad habit of looking for shit like that. Like the last time we were together, and I asked Shelby to talk to me... he started talking about us having intercourse, and I asked him... do you think about it? And his answer was something like, 'when we're together like this I do...' which I thought was weird and just found the rejection in that... like he NEVER thinks of me outside our 'dates'? Rationally I know that is not to be believed and there's no man on the planet that can confine his thinking about having sex with multiple women to certain times. So the probability is pretty great that he thinks about having sex with me, but he probably feels like he's not 'supposed' to, so he says he doesn't. So really I just get irritated that he doesn't admit it, even though he is probably just trying to respect his wife, which we are both trying to do, really. But still.

But still.

So I was feeling kind of bummed about July because that is the time of the two-week seminar and I'll be there for awhile and wouldn't it have been great if Shelby and I could have actually spent some time together? Yes, it would have been, but it will not be the case. Yet, he did cull some of my fears about him suddenly breaking it off with me, by saying we were good for August in our current location, but as of September, his wife would be finished with her job and they would be moving in together. So that means we will have to find a new place to play. I don't even know if that means we can still have overnights, but I hope so- that is part our getting together that I really like. I guess it's all up to how the wife feels about it.

Weird, huh? This is my life.

And I know eventually what we are doing will come to an end, I just wish I didn't worry about it so much. It would be great if I could hold it as a positive thing in my mind, like maybe we will end because I will meet someone or something better will come along for me or maybe I'll just decide I need something more fulfilling or... something. But right now I feel like I'm still just hanging on by a string and the same freaked-out abandonment girl I've always been. Maybe I just have to learn how to trust the Universe.

Rather than feeling bummed about a whole summer without Shelby, what if I framed it a different way- and made it about me, some sort of really indulgent preparation or something. Maybe just made plans to do something really lovely and extravagant and juicy, and then when I did see Shelby I would be hotter and he would be hungrier.... that's always a possibility.

I don't know. Today I just feel exhausted, even just by our conversation. I know I am working through big stuff and part of me just wants to ask the Universe to take care of me.

[previous] [next]