last few days... Shelby et al [ 2010-05-13, 12:15 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Sorry for not being a very good updater. It seems that once I get to Thomas and Gia's house, things just take off and I'm busy with nary a moment to write!

Friday I got into town and went straight to David's office. He prescribed more pills for hormone imbalances. I have to tell you that I don't want to take anymore pills. I am only good at it for awhile and then I start to forget. Mostly I am okay at the morning ones, but usually lunch and dinner are away from the house and at odd times so I just forget or don't have them with me. Plus they are fucking expensive and have the capability to make me nauseous.

In any case, I hooked up with Thomas. We hung out, made dinner, watched a movie. Gia was not at home. Thomas and I have never just cuddled up and watched a movie together before, and it felt a little weird I have to say. We talked about it the next morning- Thomas actually brought it up. He said there is a part of him that is hoping I will get so confused that I will let him cross the line. I listened nonjudgementally, and we talked about it honestly. He doesn't really want to do anything that would jeopardize his relationship with Gia. Once we talked about it, it relieved a lot of tension. David came over, and then Gia got home. It was nice to hang out with everyone. Gia and I had a moment where we confessed that we trust each other the most. I do, too- even more than I trust Bethany, I trust Gia's clarity and her ability to tell the truth about things.

After a bit Shelby came to get me. What he felt like he was walking into, I don't know. Gia and I had been laughing hysterically, Thomas and I had been wrestling, and David and Thomas had been acting like teenage boys. Shelby was stressed as usual and couldn't wait to pile me in the car and, in his words, "drive his prize home."

First we went to Whole Foods since he said he had no food at home, and neither one of us felt like going out to eat. He was actually flirting with me in the store which is so... not Shelby. Of course we very well go out in public.

We got our food, got home, and it was determined that Shelby should "receive" first since he is a big ball of stress. This was something that used to piss me off since I just always believed the girl should be paid attention to first. I guess with Shelby it has to be different. Since he takes care of so many people for his job, I guess he gets overwhelmed.

So, attention for the man, and then attention for Duckie. Still hitting my walls, but overall everything is good. In a way we were "done" early, and Shelby suggested watching a movie. We cuddled up and that felt really good, just to cuddle with him and do a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing.

When we were going to sleep, I asked him if his wife would still be okay with us doing overnights once she was in town. He wasn't sure, but I told him that if we were moving toward sexual intercourse, I wanted overnights. Otherwise, getting together for three or four hours just to have sex might feel to me like being used. Shelby didn't know but said he could see my point and was glad I was clear about what I wanted. He says he likes me best when I am clear in myself and do only what is best for me. That he likes me the same whether we have sex or not. That is phenomenonally hard for me to grasp, but I'm trying to trust and believe him. And the undercurrent of the whole night was an awareness for me that I wouldn't see him for three months. I was trying not to let it freak me out. At night I catch myself needing to touch him, even if it's my foot resting against his leg.

In the morning Shelby kept hitting the snooze button as he hates to wake up. I know a solution that changes his mind, so you bet, a little of this and a little of that... for an hour or more. I jumped in the shower, he made me breakfast as usual, then drove me to public transport. Where I proceeded to have my breakdown.

Well let me be more clear. On the way in the car, I was asking him some questions about what life might be like in September. He says he really doesn't know. I found out that he and his wife have never actually lived together, never actually spent more that several weeks together. She doesn't have a job there yet, and the two of them have no idea what life together will look like. So where do I fit in? I dunno. So far the assumption has been that he and I will carry on, and nothing has been said or implied to the contrary.

That conversation was all fine and cool and I could appear as the groovy adult that I am. It was when I was hugging him goodbye that my body started to shake and I realized how afraid I am. He told me that either way I will always know him, and we will be friends. He says he has every intention of continuing with me, but he doesn't want to promise something for September that he might not be able to deliver. I respect him for that, anyway. Alphie was infamous for making stupid promises.

In any case, Gia was twenty five minutes late picking me up so I had a good long while to think about it all. I feel like Shelby was sent to me for a reason, and I have to continuously put my trust in the belief that the Universe will take care of me somehow. If Shelby doesn't finish the job he started, someone or something will.

Gia could see I was shaky and invited me to lie in her bed with her and we talked. Then she and Thomas and I went to see her mother and grandmother for Mother's Day. I couldn't wait to go home. I don't do well at parties.

The next day was class with Serena, and Grace wasn't there! Oh happy day. It was exhausting but good. Went home and I cooked dinner for Thomas and Gia which has become our Monday night thing when I am there.

Tuesday was about sleeping in, washing clothes, and hanging with Gia. Then I actually had a client meeting in the evening. Staying up later and later each night which is not so good since I have to go to my new *job* tomorrow!

Crap.

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