Dear Diary,

Having some trouble today keeping myself together. I was so exhausted, I woke up at 9am but then fell back asleep till almost 1pm. I got up, had breakfast, took the polish off my toes. Went for a little walk. Watered my plants. Took a bunch of phone calls I didn't really want to take, but I'd been putting them off all week with the excuse that I'd been working too much.

First, a bit about this week-

It was a little insane for me to think I could fly home on a Wednesday and then jump into working 6 hours at my new job the following day, plus 3 hours after that. And so it went. I was working both jobs every day Thurs, Fri and Sat. I am used to working long days, but in a different way. I'm not used to being in an office with no window for 6 hours at a time. It's a bit stifling and I can really feel the difference. I was very proud of the work I did this week, cleaning up a huge amount of mess in their bookkeeping system. Nobody at that job is very friendly. Nobody seems to want to talk to me or get to know me at all. The receptionist seems to be the nicest and she just asked me if I wanted to eat with everybody on Saturday because they order a meal for the group. I was going home by that time anyway. So far I get along with the director the best, she seems cool and laughs at my jokes. There is another annoying woman who blames everybody else for why her work isn't done and I can already tell she is going to be a problem.

Whichever.

So, worked like that on Thursday and also on Friday- meaning I worked the pt job and then went to do my own thing. I saw John on Friday night, and B came by. B has gotten into the really bad habit of giving everybody a ride home after work. I told him I needed to go home asap, that we could get something to eat but I did not have time to drive everybody home- Marva lives so far out and then John in the opposite direction and it would take us an hour before everybody was where they were supposed to be. So we left together at the end of the night and said goodbye- I caught the look on John's face and I think I could tell that it was a look of disappointment almost like a little kid. All this time I thought he was dependable but now I see he's a little creepy- I really do believe he has this weird obsessive crush type of thing with me and I am very wary of it. Gia recommended that I not ask for his help too much because that makes him think he is the main man in my life. So I made a point to carry my own heavy stuff etc. Sorry, but I just do not want him stalking me in that weird creepy way anymore.

Someone was having a party last night, but yesterday I went into work at 10am (Good Lord!) so I could finish by 4pm so I could go have a client meeting at 5pm. After three days of never seeing the sun and working non-stop and just feeling exhausted, I did not feel like getting on a bus for an hour to go to a party. I just wanted to go home. I did stop at Simon and Jim's and got some dinner, then got my eyebrows done and bought some groceries. When I got home I spent some time outside and replanted some of my plants.

Shelby had texted me during the day that he would have time to call me in the evening. I had called him on Thursday to let him know that I had the dates for when I would be in town in August and could we do the schedule. I don't want to say that I was waiting for him to call me but, part of me was. Even though I was watching DVDs and my shows online and enjoying myself, one eye was on the clock. I started getting just too sleepy by 1am and was pretty much falling asleep when I remembered to turn my phone off at 1:40am. So he never called. I woke up disappointed about that. I called in the morning but didn't leave a message. I know he had to work today.

I feel bad that on days that I don't work, I just get lost. I hardly do anything or accomplish other tasks that need to get done. I mean I did my plants and my toes and my work phone calls, but it seems I just want to stay in bed. I am also starving and I think that's from not having enough protein to eat.

I did talk to Bethany but that is another thing I was putting off. She has been such a mess lately and, I love her, but I just cannot get sucked into her thing right now. She is constantly on the verge of tears and completely overwhelmed with her life. She has to exterminate her apartment which requires packing everything like she is going to move.... I guess she got so overwhelmed with that that her father came in from out of town to help her. I'm glad she got someone to help her. I have not had the time nor the energy to do so.

As the day got later, I started to feel more desperate and wanted to eat sugar. I called practically everyone I knew that would be a good source of support- Gia, Thomas, B, David, Marva... I don't know how many people I called, but nobody picked up. This happens to me often when I have this wave of desperation coming up. It reinforces my deep aloneness. Plus I was feeling totally needy where Shelby was concerned. I keep worrying about the fall even though I really don't want to. I'm just getting scared.

I do everything I know how to do to comfort myself, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I decided to work on my art project and that was helping me to feel better. I also did call Shelby because I figured that, we made an agreement to talk, and what the hell? It was okay for me to call. I caught him on the way home from work and he was exhausted and starving. I asked if he wanted to call me later and he said he didn't have it in him tonight, and told me he could call me tomorrow. Obviously the Universe is trying to teach me something. This "nobody has time for me, nobody is here for me vibe" that I was feeling all day, it must happen for a reason. I don't want to feel shitty like this anymore, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

After that I felt embarrassed and ashamed for reaching out to Shelby TWICE in one day. He basically forgot to call me last night, and he must have seen my missed call this morning but probably had no intention of calling me back. I am probably coming off as so needy right now and it just makes me hate myself. Ugh.

Now part of me just wants to hide out tomorrow and not talk to him, in some passive aggressive move of... what? Teaching him that I'm not available all the time? I guess I could just tell him the truth and own all of it, but I don't know. Like I said, I believe I'm getting triggered for a reason. It's a good thing we don't have full-on sex, because it would probably be ten times worse.

That's what I worry about- that I'm never gonna heal...

But, no time to think about that now, gotta go to bed.

Love,
Duck

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