Dear Diary,

Well.

Huh.

I was having a dream, which included having some kind of job where I had to organize somebody's bedroom. The director of my new job was there and she and I were both wearing petticoats. We had to scale down this (not so big) mountain of whipped cream and gigantic strawberries. I was throwing gigantic strawberries at demons' heads (oh yes, did I mention there were demons there?!) and the strawberries were just bouncing off their nasty demon auras.

Cut to riding in a big truck/tour bus of some kind. While in the bus/truck thing, I was feeling kinda crappy and this woman I know from Serena's class made me do a breathing exercise. We arrived at my parents' house. The whole front porch was covered with bikers in leather jackets and motorcycles were all over the driveway.

Interesting.

I ate some breakfast and washed some dishes. I went to the grocery store to buy some Drano since my bathroom sink has been super clogged for a few days now. I poured boiling water in there to no avail. My super told me not to use Drano because it ruins the pipes, but the alternative is having a plumber come over- really? That means having to clean the house and having somebody bumbling around in my bathroom, most likely when I am at work and not home. I don't like the idea, and I'd much rather unclog it myself. Which I did. Thankfully it worked, I was getting worried there for a minute.

Shelby had said we would talk between 1-3pm and I was waiting for him to call me. Alternately getting triggered and then working on my project. It was 2:30 and I was giving up on him. I know as soon as I let go of my frustration, things can change. It's a pattern the Universe is showing me again and again.

In any case, he did call me. And we sat down with our calendars, where he promptly said.... he couldn't really commit to anything.

I had so been hoping for an August date to anchor something, to mean something, either a final time or a reconnection and a continuation. But apparently while looking at the calendar, Shelby was getting a weird feeling that his whole life is going to change once his wife is back in the picture. Even though it doesn't make complete and total sense since she's not officially moving in with him till September, and he still wants to connect with me in the way we've been connecting. But for whatever reason, he felt like he couldn't pinpoint anything accurately.

Of course. Because that's the thing that freaks me out the most.

He told me he wanted to hear how this made me feel. There's no use pretending as Shelby is very aware of my abandonment issues. So I said, "It feels familiar." Immediately what I was thinking of was Frank and M. I had been in love with both men, thinking of them as people I wanted to be with. And then... they were unhappy and asked for space. So we took "a break". And both of them ended up getting squirrelly and never coming back. Not communicating honestly, lame excuses via email, no face to face reckoning to be had. Making me feel foolish and ashamed for being so vulnerable and honest and doing my best to be a good human being.

I told Shelby that I wasn't completely freaking out, but I had been to this limbo place many times, this place of waiting. He said he wasn't sure about connecting in the usual way we had been doing it, but we could definitely make a plan to have dinner if I wanted. So we put that on the calendar instead. It feels better to have SOMETHING than NOTHING. I told him about the "breaks" with Frank and M and how they acted and what happened. He thanked me for telling him that, because he said, "Now I no what my job is. My job is to be honest with you and show you that even if we're not physically intimate, you're still worth having a connection with." I also asked him if we could talk on the phone every now and then, and he said yes. He says he likes me, loves and cares about me. I am trying to trust that that's true.

And it's not even like, "it's over." It's more like, "it's unknown." But I have not done so well in the unknown in the past. So I guess here's another opportunity for me.

We talked a bunch more about other things- Gia and Thomas and how he feels kind of uncomfortable with them about certain things, and some business thing that I have to take care of, and a bit about Shelby trying to take care of himself and ask for what he wants.... so we ended on a good note.

I am okay. Sometimes feeling confused, feeling hopeful, trying not to go down the rabbit hole.

I have to eat something and go to work.

Love,
Duck

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