petra spills the beans [ 2010-05-18, 11:08 a.m. ]

Hey Diary,

What do you do when someone just can't hear you, won't listen CAN'T HEAR and WON'T LISTEN?

I dunno. This is one of the frustrating things I am coming up against with work. Not my pt job, but my self-employment.

I don't know why I'm writing since I don't have much to say. I guess you just feel like a safe place to be, Diary.

I was in a slight state of euphoria I think after talking to Shelby yesterday, feeling like, it's okay, we will be friends. But this morning I woke up feeling a bit down. Not super-bummed-wanting-to-kill-myself down, which is good. But a bit down nonetheless.

But it will be okay, ultimately. Even if it ends, I will have a friend. It could only go so far anyway, obviously. And the sex wasn't exactly where I would have preferred. It was just nice to have dates and male attention, but maybe this scenario is just making it possible to have that with someone else. After all, SOMETHING usually happens every summer. In the past of course I have met some pretty lame people in the past, but I have to believe that things are getting better for me. Meeting Shelby and healing things with him feels very divine, like the Universe organized things for me. So can I trust that the Universe will continue to do that?

I guess time will tell.

Spoke with Petra the other day and she sounds well. She and Michael have been taking a lot of vacations. They were scheduled to take a cruise with Alphie and Grace, but wouldn't you know that at the last minute Alphie forgot his passport, so he and Michael stayed behind and the women went on the cruise! I just thought that was so typically Alphie. Some try to play it off on his seizures but truthfully Alphie has always been like that. If there's a way to fuck something up, he will figure it out, unconsciously or not...

Petra also let it slip that Grace is getting fed up with Alphie (not surprising after six years). I said I really don't know anything about it since Grace doesn't talk to me even though we are in class together once a month. Petra said that Grace told her that she is afraid to talk about Alphie in class because of the fact that I asked Alphie to give me space back in 2007. I thought that was ridiculous, as since 2008 I spoke with Alphie in the driveway, hugged him, invited him to dinner, agreed to see him at a workshop, and told him I would work at the same event with him.

I don't know if it's from the seizures or the fact that Alphie has never been a good listener, but none of this seems to have sunk in and apparently they are still stuck in 2008. The frustrating thing is that at any time Grace simply could have ASKED me, "Hey would it really upset you if I talked about Alphie in class?" that simple. But in that way she and Alphie are a perfect pair, neither one of them asks questions or clarifies anything, they just ASSUME they know what's going on for another person. It makes me crazy that they assume anything about me.

I thought about throwing Grace a bone and responding to an email she sent to our class and maybe letting her know (subtly, of course- not outright saying Petra had told me) that I no longer had a huge barrier around Alphie staying away. But I'm not sure I want to do that. Have to think about it.

I'm on my way to the pt job. I guess it's good for me as it gets me up and out of the house. It may make me go to bed earlier. And maybe I'll more deeply appreciate my time off.

I feel like I have a long way to go in terms of finances. And these vitamins are making me nauseous.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~