Dear Diary,

Apologies for being away so long. This job, plus my regular workload, plus going away two weekends in a row has really been kicking my ass. I had tons of "homework" for this last conference and also the seminar I'm doing in July. I would think about writing but have consistently been too exhausted time after time, preferring to read others' diaries and then collapse.

So, this update can't possibly contain everything, but I'll try to paint the last couple of weeks in broad strokes.

Went to the lake for Memorial Day Weekend. Briefly felt bad about leaving Bethany behind, as she is struggling with her life- major extermination in her apartment, major packing, questions about will she renew her lease and pay more money or will she stay... her entire life in turmoil. I love her but for real? I just couldn't get involved because I was having trouble managing my own life. Bethany has known she needed to make a decision about moving since January or February I think- but she avoids thinking about things till they are right in top of her. I did help her break down her financials, and have talked to her on the phone, but I couldn't, say, get down to her apartment and help her pack all her stuff. And I do not want to bring her to the lake- I don't bring anybody to the lake, haven't in years and years. I prefer to have my own space to get away.

Lake was good, met one guy that felt pretty intense and presumptuous- Elliot style- that whole "I am attracted to you therefore you must be attracted to me" vibe, along with a lot of definitions and psychological evaluations he had about me that I never asked for. But I found myself in that familiar frozen place of smiling and feeling confused. Only afterwards realizing what happened and being pissed about it. Fuck.

In any case, came home, a quick re-pack and went to the pt job during the day, then to the airport that night. Gia and Thomas came to get me late-night. Class with Serena the next morning. I brought up the Alphie issue with Grace- without letting her know that Petra had told me Grace was uncomfortable sharing in class. I just asked her the extent of his troubles after his injury since I had basically told him six times that he didn't need to keep his distance. Grace kept saying he didn't really have trouble understanding things like that and implied that I wasn't clear. (She later also wrote me an email to that effect, encouraging me to "think about how you would like to be told". Fuck you, lady. Alphie asked me point-blank if I was lifting the boundary and I said yes two times. I don't know how to be much clearer than that. Just makes me think that they both think of themselves as entitled elite and they don't really listen. Best to stay away, most likely, to people who don't listen. In any case I made it clear that Grace could share whatever she wants in class, that I will figure out what to do about Alphie and she doesn't have to be in the middle. Hoping she gets my drift that I don't want any more stupid "helpful" emails from her championing her lame-ass, communication-challenged boyfriend).

Afterward, the setup for the conference, where I saw Shelby. He and I had never been able to connect by phone, so after the staff meeting as people were drifting off to bed, he said he had some time to talk to me. I told him what I wanted- he said his idea was to just 'wait and
see', but I told him I couldn't do that- wait and see was painful for me. I have too much experience with wait and see. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted closure face to face, so we went to his room. I cried, he held me, we said words of appreciation to each other. Then he started breathing hot and heavy and kissing my neck- what? I said, and he said, well isn't this a way to appreciate each other? All I could do is smile to myself because he can be such a manipulator, AND everybody who gets caught in an unexpected breakup wants to do it one more time, AND it felt really fuckin' good. So he lost his shirt and then mine and then a couple people ended up with their pants around their ankles. Fortunately for Shelby he is able to come quietly but I am not, so he had a little bit more fun than I did. But it was still good. The next couple of days were a bit of a struggle though as we were both at the same conference surrounded by mobs of people and couldn't NOT see each other. I know I did the right thing though and in every moment I just have to let it go, let it go.

Came home completely exhausted, broke and got back to the pt job making pennies- quite mindless and I can finish the work in a couple hours, but required by contract to be here 20 a week. Plus I am a little freaked out by the thought of rent and bills looming ahead, so I am trying to get as much money as I can.

Stacey called me this morning and said she went and looked at an apartment, getting serious about the divorce thing. She finds out this weekend if it's hers. She told me Kelly still has the house and has sex with ex bf, but he has no credit and can't muster a loan to buy the house from her anyway. So his name's still not on the deed, but not from any of her good sense.

Last night had a late dinner with B, he said something profound that I wanted to pass on to you but, my brain is kind of exhausted. So I'll just have to fill in the gaps later.

Love ya,
Duck

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