Dear Diary,

I don't really know if the pt job is worth it. Kudos to anybody who can work a 40 hour week!

Yesterday I had two client meetings and made more in one day than I do all week at the pt job. I just have to decide if it is helping me or hurting me to sit there for so long. There are so many other things I need to do, that I don't even have the energy for when I get home.

In any case, I know I need the money badly, so I'm hangin' in there. And I bring a yogurt and a salad everyday so it helps me dietwise. But. JAYSUS. It's slow.

In other news, I saw Emily last night. She has been in town looking for a new apartment because she is moving back here. We went to see SATC2... and neither one of us liked it. It was so bad... the acting, the plot, and yes, even the clothes. Not to mention just how stupid those girls come across by being totally disrespectful and defiant in a whole other country. It just felt like a mess, Carrie is still not grown up enough and whines about her good fortune. I wish I could have such a dating life. The best scene was Charlotte and Miranda at the bar talking about motherhood. Kim Cattrall- she's just scary.

That's all I have to say about that.

And Emily- even though she's moving back here and leaving Mr. G in another country... apparently they are still going to be dating. And she's still talking like she is "confused" about the relationship- the reality is she is hurt because Mr. G is letting her go and "not fighting for her." Poor girl. She can't see that he will not change. She intends to still be exclusive with him, I suggested if he doesn't make some move within the next couple of months that shows he misses her or wants to take more steps to be with her, she might consider dating other men. But she is pretty attached and hard to convince.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

I think I hate my clothes.

I keep sexually fantasizing about Shelby, and have even had some dreams about him. I can't help it. The sexual fantasies are better than our actual sex life.

B pointed out that it's got to hurt a guy's ego just a little bit that someone would want to be separate from him- that's probably why he initiated fooling around when I was trying to break up with him. Might also explain why he wouldn't look at me or talk to me on Saturday, and whenever my eyes did accidentally meet his, his attention would quickly go somewhere else.

I worry about losing someone that was never even mine... I worry about losing something that could just never be the same again... I do and I don't. It's that weird split again. But it is not so serious. It's like worry that I'm watching but I know why it's there and what it stems from. I feel like I'm on the threshold of healing it, kind of like when Swing broke up with me over FB and I was looking for my upset feelings but they really weren't there.

So I worry, and then I don't. I keep giving it up to the Universe. This, or something better. Trying to keep a space open in my heart. I tried to talk to Gail about it but she will only listen to me for about 2 minutes before she compares it to herself and starts to make it into her story. Sometimes I just hang up on her and pretend my phone died.

In the end, I don't know if it would help me or hurt me to be with Shelby again. It might just be complicated beyond my ability once his wife is here. I guess I will just have to have my summer and re-evaluate once the time is nigh.

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