Dear Diary,

Yesterday I got up on the early side even though I felt completely underslept. I went to do volunteer work at the soup kitchen because I finally had the day off, and I figure there are people who have it a lot worse than me. I feel like I do best when they put me on the front lines interacting with people, but they were short-handed and put me in the back kitchen making up food trays. All in all I felt good about going and doing the work.

I went straight home because I was tired, kind of dirty and in no shape to interact with anyone. I stripped off all my clothes and got in bed and watched a few shows on my computer. Then I fell asleep and woke up at 7:30 not knowing if it was morning or evening; I was so out of sorts. It was still evening, I had only slept about 2 hours. I was so tired! Too tired to make dinner. I ate sparingly and didn't do much for the rest of the evening.

I am trying to clean my house and get all my stuff together because I don't have any time off till the weekend and I'll be going to the lake. So I have been sorting clothes and will most likely go to the laundromat. Also trying to clean off my kitchen table, which is proving challenging. I took a couple more items out of the closet and I'm throwing them in giveaway bags. Marna is coming over later today to see if she wants anything I am discarding. Marna is always on the lookout for deals especially when it comes to clothes.

So not doing too bad, but I do have a long way to go. I just feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have. For some reason I have about 10 hoodies/fleeces/zip sweaters. Why? I hardly need that many? I will have to tell my mother to stop buying them for me for Christmas. I don't need any more. Also I felt like the dress I wore on Friday (to work and to the movies) maybe looked too cheap. It was cheap, Delia bought it for me when we went shopping at Ross. But maybe I am outgrowing these little girl dresses I have been wearing, and need something with a more sophisticated style? That could be it.

I thought about calling Shelby over the weekend. But, I am feeling everybody got a little too much of one another at the last conference. I know that personally I felt like I spent a bit too much time with Thomas and Gia and have just felt like I needed a break... it's been almost a week since I've seen them but I still don't feel like calling them on the phone. So I was thinking that maybe since Shelby was such a key figure in that conference, he is still recovering from being people's point man and needing to answer questions, etc... so maybe I'll give him a bit more space. I do still feel like I want to talk to him, and he was totally open to staying friends and being serious about that.

It is not that easy for Shelby to be vulnerable, most of the time he is acting like he is holding it all together. But back in May when he was dropping me off and I was freaking out about not seeing him for a whole summer, I blurted out that I would miss him. I am such a girl and I just can't seem to play it cool, what can I say. I know there are all kinds of 'rules' and I really don't want to look pathetic so I hope I don't. After we settled things a bit and I was leaving he said, "I'm gonna miss you too." I was so glad he said it- and I don't think he said in unauthentically. I think he meant it and that's why it took him so long to say it (as opposed to responding with it immediately when I blurted it out). Now it touches me to think that was a very vulnerable act for him.

And, yes I am still aware he is somebody else's husband and I have to watch my step. I have to take a serious look at what I expect, what is possible and what the hell I am doing.

Oy.

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