#2

Dear Diary,

So, even though I spent most of today slogging through stuff, I am still not packed for the lake. Apparently I am quite the procrastinator when it comes to packing. I will just find any other little task or project to distract me.

I did go and get my eyebrows done because they were looking really bad. I stopped into the restaurant, talked to Jim and picked up some lunch for Marva and myself.

Marva did arrive at almost 4pm. We talked business, then she looked through my clothes. There was very little that she wanted or was impressed with. She took two dresses and a robe and a perfume sampler. I also tried on a couple of questionable items I had in my closet and she told me they all looked bad and to get rid of them. Nothing like Marva to help a girl clear out her closet!

We also went for a walk, and talked a bit. I told her a lot about Shelby, and we talked about his wife. I don't know why his wife never responded to my card and the gift I gave her. It was a necklace, and Shelby said she apparently liked it because she wore it the whole weekend he gave it to her. He has let me know that she is intimidated by me but I'm not sure WHAT she is intimidated about- my sexual prowess? The fact that Shelby and I have built a stronger intimacy/friendship/healing than originally anticipated? What? It is weird, not knowing someone. Both Gia and Serena have their opinions about what Shelby's wife wants or how she feels. But the truth is nobody really knows. And maybe, as they (Gia & Serena) insinuate, Shelby is painting the picture the way he wants it.... that he can have everything.

I know I have to consider myself single now. It's very hard for me to face the unknown because so much fear comes up. It is something I really struggle with.

Marva and I came back here, talked some more, then she went on her way. I tried to clean up a bit more, made a couple of phone calls- Inez called me because she was having a hard time at a seminar. She tends to blame everyone for being mean to her, or "pushing her away" without ever taking into consideration that she alienates people with her inconsiderate energy. I did find a way to bring that up. I talked to Bethany too but when she is tired she talks very slowly and is basically thinking out loud and it's a drag- the two of them were driving me crazy. Then I called Shelby and left him a message, afterward I immediately felt all weird and vulnerable like I do. I am realizing this is a pattern- to reach out and call and then when the guy is not there to feel all vulnerable and weird and shameful- so you think I would be over it already. But apparently I am not.

So after that I was all freaked out and called Red and Callie and some other people with no luck. Nia called me after some time because we are always playing phone tag. I told her about the separation with Shelby and I wanted to tell her how I was feeling tonight but she was assembling some toy for her kid and was only half listening and then interrupted me. I guess it was not for me to say (to her).

For, now, just being alone with it.

Love,
Duck

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