Okay, Diary, I very truly updated two days ago but lost it to cyberspace. It was my own fault because I was updating on my way to work.

The lake was good... in it's own way. It was all women, so it was relaxing for the most part, even though there are always plenty of people trying to control things. The girl that picked me up, Pandora, turned out to be beautiful, a mom with three kids, fairly bisexual (or now she calls herself gay, but really has no intention of leaving her husband), and into... me.

Yeah. Interesting. I think she's cool, and pretty with a gorgeous smile, and I'm a little afraid, I mean she likes me so much. I don't know if you know much about girl on girl relationships, but because there is so much emotionality, sometimes they can move a little fast (hence the joke about "What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul.") But if anything, I think it teaches me a lot about my fears of being invaded by women. We talked a lot about it, Pandora and I- and I was clear (I felt) that although I find women attractive I ultimately see myself being emotionally committed to a man, but also that for the past 2.5 years I've been really working on myself and changing and really I don't know what I am capable of.

I also feel like maybe I am just not meant to be monogamous- nothing like that is showing up in my life.

I had two dreams with Pandora in them- the first I barely remember, so it's a little vague- something about opening up the gates of the east and the west, she was there, but I don't remember much else. The second was that I was marrying Petra. Petra asked me to marry her and I said okay, figuring it was no big deal because of what we had been through back in 2004 with Michael and Alphie when we first met. So we walked down the aisle and I said some vows, and then they put these little foam hats on our heads that were shaped like boats, and we were married. I looked over beyond Petra and Pandora was sitting in someone else's lap crying, but I didn't get the feeling that her tears had anything to do with me.

So.. I dunno. We talked on the phone a couple of times, that's a little awkward, I guess we'll see what happens, haha.

Meanwhile back to work and life, I went into the pt job on Monday to finish up the big report, it took forever but I got it done and was very proud of myself. Then went in yesterday and there was a lot to do, so I actually liked it. It's the sitting there completely bored that kills me. I am going in today and then working for myself in the evening.

I am still REALLY tired. I know I should go to bed earlier but it hardly seems like there is any time when I get home to do much of anything, and of course I had to watch True Blood!

I caught up with Gail about her weekend, she went to a conference and Craig showed up, he signed up under a fake name and brought some girl with him so he could put that in Gail's face. It seems he drove by Gail's house a couple of weeks ago and saw her walking with a guy she was dating, and he had to do this to show her he had somebody too... but apparently there was a lot of yelling. Drama drama drama. I told you I never liked the guy.

I haven't responded to W's email yet. At first I was like, "no way!" but now, to tell you the truth I am feeling a little lonely. I was talking to Gail about it and she says I don't necessarily have to turn him away, but if I don't trust him I should make him jump through some hoops to tell if he is really worth spending any time with. Like if he is still broke all the time and all he is really asking me is can he come over and lie in my bed, um, no. It was an interesting point and I am still mulling it over.

Zeke has called me a couple of times (at the wrong times) and I haven't picked up, he doesn't leave voicemails so he wrote me a text yesterday that he hopes I am well. I responded that I'm good and I might be going to my hometown in August, and he replied that it would be great to see me and we should hook up. I find myself less turned off by his anger so maybe he and I just need a lot of space and to not get too involved.

Well that's it for now. I just wanted to put in a quick entry here at home where it's easy and doesn't get eaten by cyberspace.

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