Dear Diary,

Went to the pt job today, that company is in big trouble. Basically there is no money in our accounts, luckily we were able to make payroll- I certainly needed that! Already that money for me has been dealt out to pay the phone bill (one payment ahead for the time I will be gone in July) and various other bills.

In any case I have this weird fear that because the company is doing so badly I will get fired but in actuality they need me more than ever. The two people who worked before me did not do a good job and basically I have put a lot back into order. The first week I was there I balanced the checkbook and reconciled everything and had an accurate assessment of finances which they hadn't had in... years? Also this week I was very proud of myself because I discovered that they have been paying for health insurance of someone who is not even working there anymore. Can you believe it? What a mess. And today I set up some personal accounting for the owner to make sure he has money put away for his retirement and savings. I don't really know how to do half the stuff but I just figure it out. And mostly I just call a lot of people and ask them minute details and even if they think I am dumb they help me out. I am, after all, usually trying to give their company money.

So I did that and then I went and worked for myself, the nice surprise being a good turnout overall and I made a fair sum of money and now I can pay rent... a few client meetings seem to have fallen through and I'm not so sure about work for the next week but I am just doing what I can.

This evening I got this email from W: "Hey there!:)! So nice to hear back, and to know that you're thinking about it... Maybe let's just have a lil tea break together somewhere for a bit and communicate and see how we feel?? Just a thought. My intention is not to push anything. I learned from you and was lifted and inspired by what we experienced together, and was remembering you with fondness and gratitude. No rush at all... Sending love - W"

Hmm. I still have a funny (not good) feeling in my stomach when I think about him. And here I have actually stated that you have to show up, call me when you say you will and tell me when you're gone, and instead of saying, okay I will, he gives me this weird thing... and never really apologizing for his previous behavior either. And another part of me is thinking that maybe I could just use him as a test, like if I see him I don't have to do anything. I could see if he follows through on calls before I even consider letting him touch me. Also if I have the bad feeling in my stomach I can always just walk away. Overall I'm not sure. I don't trust him at this point but I am curious as to why he has come back at this time in my life, is it a test for me or is it to teach me something? And I don't feel too bad thinking about using him to test myself because basically we could say he used me plenty. So, I don't know.

Tomorrow night is Don's wedding and I'm not really looking forward... and it has nothing to do with me dating him 3.5 years ago... more that I just think Don is manipulative and a user too. Getting a theme in my life? I know that nobody's perfect but lately I find myself so, so angry all the time and picking apart people's faults... so I guess that means something about me.

Might have to work on that.

I had another sex dream about Shelby, something else too but I can't quite remember. I've had 4 or 5 sex dreams about Shelby since I broke up with him. I'm wondering if we'll ever really have sex or if we're just going to get it done in dreams.

Talked to Zeke on the phone the other day. He wants to meet up with me at the end of the summer if I go visit my parents, and said he would take me out to dinner. He may be a social misfit but at least Zeke knows how to treat a woman... sure he will probably end up spanking me and talking dirty, but at least he can fill in the blanks with the wining and dining.

So, bed.

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