Dear Diary,

Well yesterday despite my crappy attitude, I survived. One, I made the mistake of looking up my fibrocystic ovaries online. It was depressing, and basically they say there is no cure for it and it could contribute to infertility and diabetes. It really bummed me out overall, even though I do a lot of uncoventional methods anyway, and that is why- because modern medicine to me is depressing. When they don't know how to deal with something they basically sign off on it as a hopeless thing.

In any case, I know if I changed my diet it would probably help, also I left a message for Callie and talked to Keith- they are the people to talk to about this. I couldn't do much else besides stay at home, clean minimally, go to the store to buy some basic supplies, and get ready to go to Don's wedding.

Keith pointed out that stress is a huge factor in hormone imbalance and I know I get stressed about stupid little things- my house being a mess, timelines that are really just in my head, money, etc. So my biggest goal is not to get stressed out about anything, anymore. I know, a big order, right? Well that is my goal. I just have to be willing to let things go. If my house is messy, BFD. I can clean it a little at a time and just try to keep things in order so I don't feel overwhelmed, but feeling the intense pressure to clean it (which never works either because I end up in an endless cycle of procrastination and agitation) doesn't serve me much. And also the constant worry about money is a drag. It is either there or not.

B came to get me last night and we were off to Don's wedding party. I say party because apparently the wedding was at sunset and we were only invited to the after-party, where we were told it was BYOB and there was cake and food left over from the original celebration that took place 4 hours previous... everything was obviously picked over, so kind of a low-budget operation overall not to mention it was sooo hot in that space and not many people showed up at all- I was surprised at the very low number of people in attendance, because usually Don and Crystal have a whole following of flakey people. Not sure if it was because of the time the party started or because they sent invitations out via email, or because they are flakey and all most of their friends are flakey too.

I spent most of the time outside on the patio talking to a guy I know, and by 2am I told B I was ready to go and he was ready too. I am just not of the age where I can party till 6am, it seems. I have actually started to like my sleeping time and I did not want to mess it up. We said goodbye to Don and Crystal, Don grabbed my ass, apparently all in fun but, I find him still to be invasive and slippery and disconcerting... he made a big show of telling me how much he loves me- maybe he does, I dunno- and saying that at some point he and Crystal want to talk to me... this has been going on for years, talks of "getting together" but never actually happens. There is still something bothersome about the two of them, maybe I am sensing a very disingenuous quality in the two of them and it makes me a bit creeped out.

In any case I was back at my place by 3am and in bed not long after that. Had some dream that I missed some kind of physical test or exam and that my friends and I were trying to figure out how to slip me and another person in.

Today, I am still feeling a bit blah- it has been hot and that could contribute to it... but also I have been feeling a bit lonely. Not sure about much of anything.

Love,
Duck

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