W emails and stomach pains [ 2010-06-29, 11:51 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Back into work today after hitting the snooze button many times! I was so sleepy.

I guess it's good for me to go into the office because otherwise I would just stay at home and sweat! Plus there was work to do and I was actually busy most of the day. Even though The Shoes yelled at me. I call this girl The Shoes because she always wears high heeled shoes and I can hear her coming down the hall to hover over me when she wants something. But god forbid that I remind her of something I need, and she is jumping down my throat... you should hear how she spoke to me today. I didn't take it personally, I mean I know she is stressed out by her job and whatever, but it occurs to me that I should make it perfectly clear that she can't talk to me that way. I am a little too fucking old to have somebody address me in that tone of voice, especially for a part-time job.

And maybe I just have to act like it's prison. When you get to prison you are supposed to kick someone's ass the first day. I am setting precedents as to how I will allow people to treat me- and I don't intend to take her shit for however long I am there. I guess just about everybody else is younger than me and intimidated by the owner; I find him mildly annoying and am not afraid of him in the least. So this girl can suck it.... not worth my hourly pay. We'll see how this develops.

Also, before I left work I sent this email to W:

"I am going to pass, it just doesn't feel right for me. Since you haven't acknowledged that you can give me what I require, I don't feel there is much in it for me. I think you are a nice guy with good intentions, but in my experiences with you, something happens, maybe you get afraid, and you don't share much and eventually just disappear (I'm not sure what happens because you're not there to talk about it). Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not easy on your side either but from my side it feels careless in relation to the presence I desire as a feminine person. It really, really hurt my feelings in the past and at this point I care too much about myself to put myself in the way of such carelessness again. Even if it is just a practice partner or an exploration, I only want to be with men who can communicate honestly and clearly with me. I do wish you well though and I hope you are happy. I think I saw you on a motorcycle commercial last year. Wish you the best."

An hour and a half later there was this response from him: "I just prefer to communicate in person... And my intuition told me to offer dinner or tea to do that with. I want nothing more than honesty and clarity, and my relationships at this point all reflect how much I value that kind of honesty, warmth, and connection. I respect you so much, and whatever choice you need to make, however. But i am sad that it feels that you aren't making that choice based on what's really here and really possible. I just adore you, and think we could have such sweet, fun experiences... Well... If you want to share a brief tea and hear me out in person, I would love it- it's an open invitation. And I am so happy to be clear and communicative and caring. And honestly I feel so badly you were that hurt- I am so sorry that I was a careless idiot- it sounds like I was awful!! I'm just so sorry... And so sad:(. The least you could do is use me for dinner- yeesh!;)xoxoxo! Well... I miss u, and I like you a lot. So..if u ever want to eat something yummy or see a movie and then leave me in the dust, feel free!:)). Also... Please know I am just so sorry ever to have ever hurt such a beautiful heart... You are lovely inside and out- thanks for being my teacher. And YES :), my career has really been amazing to me.. Fun u saw one of my commercials!!! Please know I wish you everything wonderful always!!!! I see ur smile in my minds eye sometimes and it lights me up!:):). Xoxo -W"

So I dunno, that was unexpected, now I'm thinking I could give him a listen if anything. I just expected him to be more defensive or accuse me of being oversensitive.

In any case, I just gave him my phone number and told him I was cautious but I will meet him face to face. If he has any sense at all he will call me sooner than later. But who knows.

Why does my stomach hurt... hoping it's not related to this!

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